When you lose someone suddenly- when that person has left this place of their own volition -you find yourself in a state of confusion and remorse but most of all everything feels unfinished.
I knew him but I know I didn't. He had a completely separate life in Toronto among his friends. He was someone else there, someone I wish I had been privileged to know, someone I wish I had made more of an effort to learn about.
After he was gone, I began to recall every phone call, every email, every text. What did I miss? What could I have said? Why didn't I take things more seriously? Why the hell didn't I do something???
Why didn't I take more pictures of him?
Desperate little prayers run through my head - please God don't let it be true that he's gone.
Yesterday when I logged onto Facebook, there he was at the top right corner and the message said: Reconnect with Matt. It made me want to vomit. But I couldn't bring myself to unfriend him. His hundreds of friends are still writing beautiful condolences on his wall. It would feel like losing more of him.
Lately Deaglan is in the habit of asking the whereabouts of friends and family. While playing with a truck Matt had gifted him, he asked: where is Uncle Matt mommy?
Wincing I replied: In heaven.