When you lose someone suddenly- when that person has left this place of their own volition -you find yourself in a state of confusion and remorse but most of all everything feels unfinished.
I knew him but I know I didn't. He had a completely separate life in Toronto among his friends. He was someone else there, someone I wish I had been privileged to know, someone I wish I had made more of an effort to learn about.
After he was gone, I began to recall every phone call, every email, every text. What did I miss? What could I have said? Why didn't I take things more seriously? Why the hell didn't I do something???
Why didn't I take more pictures of him?
Desperate little prayers run through my head - please God don't let it be true that he's gone.
Yesterday when I logged onto Facebook, there he was at the top right corner and the message said: Reconnect with Matt. It made me want to vomit. But I couldn't bring myself to unfriend him. His hundreds of friends are still writing beautiful condolences on his wall. It would feel like losing more of him.
Lately Deaglan is in the habit of asking the whereabouts of friends and family. While playing with a truck Matt had gifted him, he asked: where is Uncle Matt mommy?
Wincing I replied: In heaven.
I'm so sorry, Kim. I wish I had some words that could help you. I know there's nothing I can say, but I'm always hear to listen, and read.
ReplyDeleteGoosebumps, Kim. I'm so, so sorry for your loss. This was such a beautiful little post.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what to say. Just know that I'm here for you my friend.
ReplyDeletei'm so sorry kim....this must be so hard....going through all these changes in your life plus losing your brother. so sorry....
ReplyDeleteIt does get better in time, I promise, but it never goes away. Nine years later I still find myself wishing it weren't true that my brother is gone.
ReplyDeleteOh Kim...sending love to you.
ReplyDeleteKim,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that your brother died. I wish I could say or do something to help take away the pain. I know how much pain you are feeling and the only thing I know is write about it if the feeling hits you, talk about it if you need to, or take time to just reflect and think about things. Follow your own lead, let your body tell you how to heal. You may want to go to a grief counselor or group, if it gets too overwhelming. Being a new mom is wonderful, but dealing with grief at the same time is overwhelming. My mom died when my daughter was 4 months old. It was one of the most difficult times of my life, two emotions, two extremes.
I'm here if you need anything.
XXXXXXX