I wore mascara yesterday even though I knew it would be a mistake. I am all tears.Sweet tears of joy for Naveen, whose name in Hindu translates as new.
Hot salty jealous tears as I sit breastfeeding every hour or so and watch my other boy entangled in play with his dad. My arms are long enough to hold both of you, I want to plead. Please come sit with me like before. I miss us.
Tears of bone-aching tiredness that this baby doesn't know it is night time. And tears of frustration that arise from not sleeping.
Tears of deep sadness at the loss of one I loved so dearly. Everyday I miss him more and seem to lose him all over again. Yesterday I asked Shaune to stop reading the sympathy cards aloud, the heartfelt words of friends and family that leave me broken.
But also tears of gratefulness that I could be so lucky in this lifetime to have these two children and this husband and so many family and friends willing to love me.
And just when I think the tears will finally stop, I catch a glimpse of joy or sorrow and begin again.So it is best I leave the mascara in the vanity until another day. A day where I can see these things and contain them in my heart. For I know that this joy, this sadness, this jealousy, this tiredness, they are all meant to be, meant to make me grow, meant to heal me.
Indeed - so many of those huge life events happening so close together.
ReplyDeleteTake care and enjoy this special time with your new little one and those precious few quiet moments with the older toddler. It just makes them all the more special.
Beautiful post, Kim. It will get easier. All of it.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this post.....
ReplyDeleteMay you never be able to fully contain the joys in your heart - it's a blessing to have them spill out on occasion as tears.
ReplyDeleteTake it one step at a time. Enjoy those two beautiful children and your wonderful husband. I hope the sadness doesn't hold on to you too long. I can't imagine the fresh pain of that significant loss. Think of Matt as your boys' guardian angel. I'm sure he's with you in these precious new moments of life and love. Hugs to you my friend.
ReplyDeleteYour new son is beautiful, just like his big brother. Your post, so beautiful, so bittersweet. How sorry I am that you have to endure such a loss, especially as you bring a new, beautiful life into the world.
ReplyDeleteHowever, it is the light of your boys, and husband that will help you. Their love, they way they look into your eyes, their gentle spirits of pure innocence and love, will give you the strength and love you need, as you grieve. I do believe Matt is with you.
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Yes, so true...hugs across the miles...
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