Yesterday I felt this sense of impending doom. I felt sad and unaccomplished and it wouldn't have taken much to make me cry. I dismissed it as severe lack of sleep and carried on throughout my day.
Later in the afternoon in a rare few moments to myself, I saw a chunk of an interview with Michael Jackson's former wife and she was speaking to his death and whether she felt there was anything she could have done to change what happened.
I was riveted, not so much because I was so interested in what she thought but because I realized it was five months to the day that my brother had died. And on this show I was watching, the people were discussing things like addiction, abuse and other contributing factors to the King of Pop's death.
Sometimes it just sneaks up on me like that - the comprehension that he's really not here anymore, that no matter how hard I look for him while I'm driving even if I see a gold Ford Focus exactly like the one he drove, I will not find him.
And later in the evening, when Shaune and I were unwinding from our days, I was grateful that he asked me why I looked so sad. I told him about the interview and the day today marked. It was all that was necessary to release my tears. We spoke, as we always did when Matt's death came up, about the senselessness of it.
I wished I could have made him see that things always got better. That I felt lonely and directionless in my twenties but life changed. And that it didn't take much to alter things. A decision. A small step. A change of habit. But then I realized that this was my formula - it might not have worked for him.
I know that a day will come when I will accept that there was nothing I could have done to change the outcome. And it's not that I am twisting in the wind, blaming myself for his death. I just feel cheated.
I was so looking forward to the rest of his story.
Deaglan was sitting beside me while I wrote this post. He saw this picture of himself and said Mommy that's me and I look so sad. What was happening to my truck to make me so sad??? He said it with such sympathy and perspective I almost exchanged the picture for one of him looking happy.