It sounds like I'm complaining but I'm not

I'm participating in Pour Your Heart Out Wednesday with Shell over at Things I Can't Say. In Shell's words: Write a post from the heart. Something that has been weighing on you. Something you feel passionately about.Something you've been wanting to talk about. A cause, a memory, a belief, a world view. Anything.

I'm still not sleeping. Naveen sleeps once for a three hour stretch from 8 to 11 every night. After that he's up every hour or so. I don't know how to change this so I feed him and usually end up pulling him into bed with me because I need to get a few hours if I can. Well, I was getting these precious few hours until last week when I started him on baby cereal. The changes on his digestive system at least I'm assuming that's what it is given that it's the only new variable I've added to our routine (I started with oat cereal knowing from experience that rice is constipating and then switched to barley once the oat cereal was gone) have increased his wakefulness at night so that whereas before I was able to get him back to sleep after nursing him, now he stays awake for up to another hour each time. At night, my life feels like one long torture session.

The sleeplessness is taking its toll.

I give my best self to the kids. Some kind of miracle, I can only credit to my higher power, takes over and I am mostly alert and present for their needs. We do arts and crafts, go to the park, read books and play. I stay on top of the laundry - an absolute necessity now that Deaglan goes through about six pairs of underwear and three outfits a day, and if I forget to put a bib on Naveen his shirtfronts look like he's been through a carwash from drooling. The house is clean at the end of the day most days and Deaglan almost always gets something homecooked for his meals (even if it is hotdogs or scrambled eggs).

But when Shaune gets home from work, I have nothing left. Most nights I've just finished bathing and settling two kids and I'm anxiously waiting for the baby to wake up so that I can feed him again and try to get him back to sleep and it's my only time to do something for me like have a glass of wine and watch a show.

When little people are mercilessly demanding from you all day long, your attention, your patience, your love, your body to feed them, your hands to change them, your arms to hold and hug them, your undivided attention so they won't get hurt or hurt each other, you become covetous with the few moments you can steal for yourself.

With two tired grumpy people in this house, arguments and bickering are at an all time high. We're dealing with a very busy, very energetic toddler splat in the middle of the tantrum- throwing, jealous-of-the-new-baby-so-I'll-demand-all-of -your-attention, my-energy-level-just increased-exponentially terrible two's.

Sigh. That's it. I'm done pouring my heart out.