I took advantage of Shaune's break from school a few weeks ago when he was home during the day by getting back into walking. Alone. Hands free, oblivious and listening to music. My music, not Raffi or Anne Murray.
Michael Jackson is always in the mix. A carryover from my growing up, something that refuses to be relegated to my past. Seduces me into thinking I can dance. People watching would likely argue. Reality and fantasy have a clear distinction; I have no moves to speak of. Possibly I did a few times after too much wine but probably only in my opinion.
Sort of like how you see your body right after you have children. Your mind's eye sees you the old way but if you get caught by the camera, the cold hard truth, the damages can't be denied.
Let me back up here. I know who I am. I've never been a showstopper when it comes to my looks but with some effort I can clean up okay.
With each baby I gained 60 pounds (Deaglan) and 50 pounds (Naveen). I lost the weight easier when it was just Deaglan. I strapped him into the stroller everyday at naptime and walked for an hour and a half. With Naveen it's been slightly more problematic. (Read uncooperative toddler)
So I've had to focus on eating less. Literally zip my lips. It's not that I have a volatile relationship with food. Believe me, I have enough issues, they just don't centre around eating. However, nursing this time around gave me wicked cravings for sugar. Christmas did me in. I couldn't control my cookie intake. I walked around in a haze of sugar, butter and flour.
Once I stopped including oreos as the side dish for every meal, a few more pounds came off. I'm almost back to the pre-pregnancy weight, which though not my ideal state, I can live with for now.
My body is not the same. Of course it's not. I'm almost 40, I've had two kids, it's to be expected. But my perspective has changed. I've given up admiring and coveting celebrity's bodies. Who needs that kind of self-inflicted torture?
I want to be the right weight for a better more important reason than my reflection. I want to stick around to see that other phase of my life.
I've watched with delight how my inlaws drool over my babies. They love my children the way only grandparents can. No apologies, grinning like fools at every new evolution. I want that someday. I want it to come full circle, want to see my boys become new parents, hear them talk excitedly about a new tooth, complain about not sleeping, ask me to babysit.
Giving up a few oreos is worth that.
Oh, if you live around here, and happened to see some idiot walking down Commissioner's randomly trying to do the moonwalk recently, it wasn't me.
The pictures of me (obviously excluding the preggo shot) were taken by Shaune yesterday. I had to change outfits three times and still this is the best he got. I looked at the pictures and sadly realized, I'm not as skinny as I thought I was.