Tuesday 28 June 2011

My friend Frank and his son

In middle school, Frank was my best friend. We were part of a larger gang, mostly boys - a few girls, who congregated at the end of Frank’s driveway on Bellevue Street after dinner every night when the heat of the Tucson days relented a little. There was never alcohol. No one in the group smoked. We were good kids. Mostly we stood around talking about movies we wanted to see, sports and our favourite albums. It was around the time Footloose came out, around the same time I fell madly in love with Kevin Bacon.

When my parents announced we were heading back to Canada, they might as well have informed me we were on our way to a remote camp on the planet Jupiter. I was inconsolable; a heartbroken mess of a girl who couldn’t imagine life without her friends.

I received regular letters from Frank for a few years but inevitably we stopped writing. I always wondered how his life had turned out. When the world wide web showed up, I Googled him but nothing came of my searches. And then last July, 25 years after I left Tucson, I received a comment from a Frank on one of my posts. When I logged onto Facebook, there was a message from him. He told me how sorry he was to hear about Matthew, and that sadly, after years of searching the internet, it was through my brother’s obituary that he was able to find me.

I saw that while Shaune and I were dilly dallying our way to a grown up life, breaking up, getting back together and then breaking up again, Frank was busy getting married, getting divorced and then getting married again.

On his info page Frank had written in all caps I LOVE MY KIDS AND WIFE. Everything seems to finally be falling into place. I knew in that instant some people never change. I felt vindicated in having always known what a true and pure person he was.

Through Facebook I fell in love with Jesse and Mikayla his kids; found myself wishing I was friends with April, his wife . I learned that Frank and April started to worry a little about Jesse their first child, right around the time he turned two. People looked sidelong at them on outings because they didn’t seem to know how to “control” the toddler who was throwing “tantrums”. Frank said they noticed that any words he’d learned up until that point, he started losing, so that instead of advancing in language skills, he seemed to be regressing. It took a few years to finally get a diagnosis.

Jesse, it turns out, has high functioning autism.

So began their wretched battle with the school system which set them firmly on a path of advocacy. First their sweet little boy was placed in a classroom with mentally disabled children even though Frank and April fervently protested. When they saw how this was hindering his progress, they decided to try and home-school Jesse. But realizing how unequipped they were, they took the advice of other parents in similar situations and tried to place Jesse into a regular classroom. They were denied. For two months they had to settle for their son, who required a stable environment in order to flourish, being shuttled between a room full of autistic children and short stints in a regular classroom. They withdrew him again when they saw that it was doing Jesse no good. Finally they were able to enrol him in a charter school where he will soon attend grade one.

Frank says that Jesse is really, really smart. He excels at math, spelling and reading but doesn’t do so well with speech and social skills. It’s been hard for all of them. Mikayla, at age four, understands that Jesse has specific needs but acts out sometimes when she notices that her parents’ attention necessarily goes to her brother.

I can’t imagine what it must be like. On my worst days, I am exhausted by the time the kids are in bed. And I didn’t have to do battle with the school system or worry about how the major surgeries to my son’s Achilles tendons went to prevent him from walking on his toes.

I can’t imagine.

I'm pouring my heart out with Shell.

17 comments:

  1. Your friend Frank and his wife sound like amazing parents that are filled with great strength, and their children are beautiful!

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  2. Isn't it great how the internet helps us reconnect? They sound like a wonderful family!

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  3. I worked with an autistic boy once. I remember how hard it was for his family-having this child that they loved with all their heart and soul-yet not knowing what to do to help him.

    I can tell that Frank and April are loving and dedicated parents-and I pray that they will find the right solution for their son:)

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  4. I too struggle to deal with just one kid who doesn't have any autistic tendencies...so I am always amazed at the dedication of parents who have so much more on their plate.

    Frank and April sound like amazing people.

    Lovely memory Kim!

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  5. Autism affects so many now...not one community or circle of friends isn't affected. I've learned so much from the kids and the parents I've worked with who are or are raising autistic children.

    :-)
    New follower!

    www.brewingdaily.blogspot.com

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  6. They sounds like an amazing family- doing what their son needs!

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  7. 1 in every 110 children are on the spectrum. The new thought is it is closer to 1 in every 38. Scary huh? I've got 2 on the spectrum out of my 4.

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  8. Kim, that was wonderful, thank you. I just found how hard it is to read about your own trials and tribulations. You're a WONDERFUL writer, and I wish you the best of luck with it. I'm glad after 25 years I found you. Hope all is well with your clan ;-). Love ya.
    Frank

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  9. Sounds like a wonderful little family! I'm always glad to hear about parents who will step up and be advocates for their children!

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  10. I also cannot imagine. However, I think we are given that which we are able to handle. So that says a lot about your friend Frank. And how wonderful to connect after all these years. I've been able to reconnect via FB with many lost friends of years past. It's wonderful.

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  11. Thanks for sharing this beautiful story about this beautiful family. I am always impressed when I read about parents who go to bat for their kid(s). It's like David and Goliath!

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  12. Frank and April must be amazing parents with a lot of strength. I'm glad they fought for their son. I wish them all well.

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  13. I grew up next door to Frank on Bellevue St, as a matter of fact I still live in the house I grew up in. Frank is the exact same person today as he was as a kid..I have the pleasure of knowing his family and both of his kids are a joy..First time I meet Jesse all I saw was his big smile, then he gave me a hug..Thank you for sharing their story Kim and April and Frank Keep up the great work!!

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  14. Another heart tugging post. I love the image of you as kids at the end of the driveway, and I love how Frank grew up to be the "true and pure" person you always knew him to be. (Sometimes I think our instincts are the greatest, and least tainted, when we are young.)

    Such a sad challenge with the school system. Here is hoping for positive change.

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  15. Wow, bless them. Parenting a typically developing child is a challenge. Parenting a child who needs extra support and services can be at times seemingly impossible. Thanks for sharing their story. They now have another person sending them hopeful wishes and prayers.

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  16. I've been following a blog for a while of a woman who has a son with very severe autism. As you can imagine, it takes over her life. Such a difficult disorder.

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  17. Hi Kim. I just wanted to re-read your blogs. Can you believe its been over 3 years since we reconnected. Still Love reading your blogs when I get the time. So wish we could meet up sometime and our kids can play together. Love you with all my heart and hope that all is well with you.
    Frank

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Thanks for your comment!