After nursing the baby, I tip-toed him back to his crib, snuck downstairs, put on coffee and sat down to write this post. In an hour I’ll be scurrying around, washing jam off faces, finding socks that match, applying mascara and rushing out the door to the daycare and then to work.
It’s how I’ve had to find time to write lately. By stealing it. Sunday I totally lucked out when Shaune offered to take both kids to the car wash and Canadian Tire.
Being a parent who works is no easy thing.
And although I won’t Dooce myself – thanks Heather for learning that lesson and passing it on, I will say that while my work situation is pretty close to ideal, every day I still find myself scrounging for time, grappling with guilt, and grading myself a big fat C minus on the How I did today scale .
And I say working parent not mother, because I don’t see it being any easier for Shaune. Some nights his job keeps him late enough that he doesn’t even get to kiss the boys goodnight while they are awake.
So last night, while I was preparing dinner for the kids, feeling like an utter failure because I was exhausted and grouchy and in no mood to try and create some shiny moments with the boys, a thought came to me.
It was kind of revolutionary for me. Oh who am I kidding? It was downright insurgent!
What if this sense of inadequacy is normal? I wondered. What if I just accepted it and moved on? What if I gave myself a small break and instead of wallowing in this worry-hole that somehow I’d be caught red-handed for incompetence in every aspect of my life, I appreciated that I was doing the best that I could? That left-over spaghetti wouldn’t ruin Deaglan’s childhood and that it was okay to let them watch a little TV so I could have a few minutes to unwind from my day.
What if I removed the phrase work-home balance from my mental lexicon and pasted in new ones like good enough, and it is what it is?
I wondered. Could it be that easy?
I love that you used the term working parent because it is just as hard on our husbands as it is on us! I don't know if it gets easier because there are still those days when I feel like a failure at all 3 jobs (wife, mother and employee). I guess we all do the best we can!
ReplyDeleteAMEN!! It IS what it is...
ReplyDeleteI think you discovered something here. I'm gonna take on more of that thought of not beating myself up and grading myself too. :) Thanks for being such a caring Mom and being vulnerable/willing to share your insights. :)
Sounds like a brilliant idea!
ReplyDeleteI have no work-life balance. I totally suck at it.
It's so hard to balance. I think all those feelings are completely normal. It sounds like you're holding strong :-)
ReplyDeleteSo clearly you are awesome. And I think that you need to stop grading yourself!! You are beyond good enough!!!!! My mom worked, and it wasn't until I was a fully grown adult that I ever knew she felt inadequate. Because as children, you don't know. My brother and I didn't- and your kids don't. What you might feel is less than, is their normal and they love it.
ReplyDeleteExactly. It is what it is. You are good enough. We all are doing our best with what we've been given and what we've worked for. What you're feeling is normal, but I'm sure you can tell by all the positive comments you are getting. :)
ReplyDeleteHIGH. FIVE.
ReplyDeleteIt is what it is - I love that! You should definitely go with that theory because I'm not sure if a balance can ever be found.
ReplyDeleteHave I told you that you are my shero! You took the words right tour of my mouth and arranged them so articulately.
ReplyDeleteYes, Kim, that is very wise. Lately, I've been doing the same--wanting to be the perfect mom, the perfect homemaker, cook, blogger, wife, photographer. But I stop, breathe, take it one day at a time. I don't have to be perfect today.
ReplyDeletePerfectly said. I think that's the only way to think to get through the constant Mom guilt that pervades us daily.
ReplyDeleteI have come to that realization that "it is what it is" too. I have many of those "failing mommy" moments around here especially when the kids don't get along and are nasty to each other. I can't overanalyze about what I should do better. I do it the best way I can.
ReplyDeleteI'm amazed at all that you get done. Working and balancing home life is so tough. Hugs to you!
I think I need to adopt these new terms as well Kim - brilliantly put. Good enough should be good enough. And we must remember that our good enough is somebody's best and thus nothing we do will ever be harmful to our kids. Leftover spaghetti will be the least of their issues, I can guarantee that!
ReplyDeleteWould it help to know that there is a well accepted idea in psychoanalytic psychology called good-enough parenting? It originated with Winnicott's description of a "good-enough mother" who just loved her children. That's it. You love them, you do the best you can, you don't try to be Superwoman. I believed in that when I was married and now that I'm a single mom, I can't imagine any other way.
ReplyDeleteWhen it comes to our kids, I think we always feel inadequate. It is normal-and I think that it comes from the fact that as parents we want to do what we believe is best for our kids-but it's easy to set ourselves up for failure. You, my sweet, have nothing to worry about:)
ReplyDeleteWhat I think is sad is parents who have unrealistic expectations about what their children should be like-and see their kids as inadequate. That attitude deserves an F!
We are our own worst critics. Rather than grading your day on what you did not accomplish, grade yourself on what you did.
ReplyDeleteI say to myself, "Did I do the best I possibly could with what I was given for the day?" Is the answer is yes, then nothing else matters. Nothing else matters especially if the kids are loved, happy, secure, and thriving.
I love this...I'm a "good-enough" mom myself. It's so hard to cut ourselves a break, but sometimes, good enough is GOOD!
ReplyDeleteI am all about good enough parenting and I have realized sharing the guilt with my partner helps my own issues of inadequacy.
ReplyDeleteWow! Just found your site via BlogHer and I love this post! While my girls were tiny and we lived in a two-bedroom condo in LA, it was easy to be supermom. Now that I have a 3 and 2 -year-old, a yard, and our home, I've realized that keeping love the priority is often enough. No one can do it all.
ReplyDeleteGreat post! It is totally normal to feel this way and I think that is such a positive attitude to try to achieve... being "good enough". Our kids love us for who we are and to them, our lives are totally normal. They aren't spending every waking moment at a friends house who has a stay at home parent. They are the "majority", like most other kids that have both parents that work. I also like your thought about it being tough on the husband as well. My husband is a fireman who works shift work and I know sometimes he feels guilty he isn't there to put the kids to bed but what he doesnt realize he how lucky he is to sometimes get a whole day with them while I'm a work. We put so much pressure on ourselves as moms to be perfect and we compare ourselves and our situations to others. There will always be something to do and never enough time in the day but I really like your thoughts and I'm definitely going to try this new approach as well.
ReplyDeleteSo, I know I've commented before on this post...but just saw it on BlogHer!! Congrats! You are awesome...and to all the haters out there...well, we won't go there ;)
ReplyDeleteFinding those pockets...and taking advantage of those moments of peace. That sounds pretty good to me.
ReplyDeleteI know that every single day I don't measure up to what I think I should be. And it buzzes in my ear like a little bee. Thanks for the reminder to swat it, and breathe.
Thank you for saying these things. My wife is upstairs doing stories with our 4 yr old. The 2 yr old twins are already in bed. I've just cooked supper and am guiltily blogging. I will make sure my wife reads this.
ReplyDelete