On our way to a doctor’s appointment today, I caught a pensive faraway look on Deaglan’s face in the rearview mirror.
“What are you thinking about honey?” I asked.
“I’m thinking about Olivia and Thomas, Mommy.”
“Oh yeah? What about them?”
“I was thinking about how much I love them.”
It quieted me; took my breath away, this simple answer.
For the hundredth time since Deaglan has been old enough to utter such magic, I am astounded that we could all be this dreamy, this awesome at the beginning. And wonder that we end up resentful, anxious, I'll be happy when x happens.
Olivia and Thomas are his friends from daycare. He will be leaving them to go to junior kindergarten in a few short weeks. On the way home every afternoon, after he’s told me about his day, what he had for lunch, who he played with out in the yard, I remind him that soon he will go to the Big School. Gently, I explain again that he will have to leave his friends from this “school” and meet new ones.
I remind him out of my fear that it will sneak up on him. I remind him because it hurts me to think about him missing his friends. I remind him to try and manage this big change coming.
It was Monday, not yet noon and I was already weary. Grudges replaying in my head, old resentments, too much to do, self-loathing for what I’d eaten on the weekend.
On and on.
His simple expression of love though, straightened my back at the wheel. I glanced admiringly at him, behind me, unfazed by my impromptu pick-up in the middle of his morning – my failure to note the appointment on our home calendar. Peace-filled and happy when only a week ago, I’d pulled another carpet out from under him – the ending of the soother.
I decided again, right there to try and live differently. So I’m joining Ann and listing my gifts:
1. Healthy children
2. Shaune's work ethic, his lightheartedness, his family
3. My work life
4. Easy-to-make dinners on a Monday
5. Naveen's squeals
6. Flat sandals after a day in heels
7. Three year old comedy...
8. Comfy pants and t-shirts
9. My willingness to change
10. My desire to write it all down