I’m a mess.
I forgot to tell him that I slipped his (sun) hat into the bag with his extra clothes. And also? I’m sick inside that he might eat some of his lunch at recess, not think it through, get to lunch hour and only have grapes and a granola bar left. We should have practiced one more time.
That’s what we did last night. I drilled Deaglan - picture Lou Gossett Jr. In Private Benjamin (with less facial hair), whistle around my neck, stop watch in hand.
“Okay, let’s see you open your lunch box, Go!”
“But Mommy, I already showed you how I can do it.”
“Alright, alright. Tell me what you’re gonna eat when the teacher tells you it’s snack time.”
Rolling his eyes. “The grapes or the strawberries.”
“Good, good. What about if you have an accident? If you have a pee-pee in your pants, where are your extra clothes?”
“Mommy, I’m not going to have an accident though.”
“I know honey but if you did that would be okay, okay?”
At this point Shaune breezes through, cool as a cucumber. “They’re not just gonna throw them to the wolves on the first day you know. There will be people around to help him.”
Oh he’s such an expert on the first day of school? Unfazed?
Well it was a different story this morning. After we left Deaglan with his Before School Group, my husband anxiously asked a dozen questions.
“Don’t you think we should have stayed a little longer?”
“How could they think working them in throughout the week was a good idea? The kids who came earlier already have friends!”
“Do you think he’s okay?”
No I don’t think he’s okay. He's likely scared and lonely and missing his normal. But I know he will be. I read somewhere that we humans are born hardwired to suffer. That when we try to buffer our kids from going through the hard stuff, we’re not doing them any favours.
Yep, I am a mess, disjointed, disconnected, like parts of me are scattered all over this city. Even now, I'm tempted to scurry the two blocks to the school, hide behind a shadowy maple, see that he's okay.
But I won't.
"It's good to do uncomfortable things. It's weight training for life." Anne Lamott
"I don't remember who said this, but there really are places in the heart you don't even know exist until you love a child." Anne Lamott