Lately I’ve been struggling to find equilibrium between my ideal self – you know, organized, calm, proactive, loving – and my real self – reactive, irritated, often irrational bordering on CRAZY. It’s not easy to strike the balance.
I yell at the kids when this was never part of my parenting plan. I send them off to bed too often without cracking a book and yet I’m completely pro-reading. I feed them hot dogs and chicken nuggets but I know eating right is essential to their health. I let them watch Diego instead of taking them outside at the end of the work day so I can enjoy a glass of wine in peace.
Let’s see, what else?
I don’t forgive people when I should. I bicker with my husband in front of the kids. I choose being right instead of happy. I sometimes overuse the F word when I’m angry and tired. Okay I often overuse the F word when I’m tired and angry.
I know this is not a confessional and you certainly aren’t my priest.
But the more I do this parenting gig, the more I feel obligated to be honest. I refuse to let my friends think I’m something I’m not, so I always correct them when they praise me for being an outstanding mom. I gain nothing by projecting an image that doesn’t properly reflect me.
I got carded at the liquor store today. A small thrill raced through me. My ego almost got carried away. I should tell you though, the cashier was maybe 19 and this was likely his first day on the job. Plus, this was not a large metropolitan LCBO but the tiny side-of-the road stop-by in a tiny town near Shaune’s parents’ house. And the young guy was shaky and nervous. Also, it was hard to ignore the sign behind his head: “We ID everyone under 25.” Even though the legal drinking age here in Ontario is 19.
And also this:
Last week when Deaglan and I were sitting together watching his new favourite show The Octonaughts, Naveen, a few feet away was repeatedly hitting the on switch to his toy workshop. Deaglan elbowed me in the rib, and asked in confidence:
“Does that fucking thing ever shut off?”
The kid at the liquor store thought I was 25!
And you have to admit it’s impressive how Deaglan was able to properly express his ire with a complex use of adjective.
We went camping last week for the long weekend in Port Huron at the KOA. It was a lot of fun.