Tuesday, 7 July 2009

My wisdom so far

I used to think that to “forgive and forget” was the only way to truly move past something terrible that happened to me.

I now realize that often those two concepts don’t make sense in a lot of situations. To forgive means to give up all claim on account of. But there are things that happen to us, hurtful things people say, painful wounds people inflict that we cannot give up all claim of. To forgive and forget for some of these assaults seems like fantasy-making to me. The trying of it has left me conflicted and anxious.

Reconciliation however is a concept I can live with. I won’t forget what happened but will reconcile to use the experience to consciously build a better relationship. I will learn to understand that because of what happened I have the opportunity to make healthier and wiser decisions in the future.

I used to think I needed to provide proof or evidence of why I felt something. In my mind I would think that feeling something others might perceive as weak or womanly or negative was unacceptable so I would build a case in my defense so that I could justify this “insubstantial” stream of feelings or thoughts. As if just little ole me feeling it or thinking it wasn’t reason enough that it should be heard.

But now I know that the fact that I feel it, desire it, fear it, love it or just plain old dreamt it up is legitimacy enough.

I used to think that a nice person doesn’t speak up when her needs aren’t being met, a nice person doesn’t disagree with family members, a good person goes along to get along. But now I realize that all of that is a bunch of BS and really a form of self torture.

I know now that I am responsible for my own happiness and that means speaking up the truth when something doesn’t feel right or good to me. It means doing what’s best for my soul and my true self even if it causes discomfort. It means speaking the truth, my truth when I feel compelled.


  1. I could learn alot from you! Thank you for this post. I am going to give it a try...so that i can be better to myself for once and what i believe in.

  2. Thank you for this post, Kim. I have put my own happiness to the side in order not to upset someone's feelings. I need to be true to myself and validate what I'm feeling. When dealing with my in-laws, I've often tried to speak to them with honesty about my feelings. Unfortunately, they don't seem concerned to hear what I'm saying. I'll still speak my mind, but I won't allow their indifference or judgment to affect my sense of self or the value of what I feel.

  3. Wow! I needed to hear that. I've been struggling with an issue that this fits perfectly.

    Unfortunately it involves my sister whom I've always been close to. And because of that, in the past I would just nod my head and go along with her but about 6 months ago I decided I just couldn't do it any longer. And in a loving manner explained to her I had a differing opinion and explained the feelings I was having.

    Alas, she did not take it well and has not spoken to me since. I feel horrible about it. My husband was witness to the conversation and says I was not inappropriate or rude, just stated facts.

    I guess it's my fault that I've never stood up to her before (she is 18 years older than me and more like a second mom than a sister). But I had to start some time.

    Eventually, I think things will work out but it's hard in the interim. Thanks for making me feel good about my decision to stand my ground.

  4. Kim- this sounds like seven feet tall maturity. And saying I forgive does not mecessarily mean doing it. words are cheap and easy and BS is a fime a shovel full.
    Good stuff there. ~rick

  5. I totally agree. Excellent advice!

  6. My goodness you're wise! I wish you lived close by so you could give me advice all the time! :)

  7. this is so good. so healthy. i think i need to print it out and re-read it repeatedly!

    i also hate when people say that they have no regrets. GET REAL. that is ridiculous. i think we all make mistakes we regret, but need to find peace with it all if possible.

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  9. You have a lot of wisdom in this post and it is hard to comment on all of it. So, I'll pick this item - forgive and forget. I believe it is possible to forgive anything, but not possible to forget everything. Suppose you are the victim of drunk driver, and you lost your legs. You can forgive the other driver, but can you ever forget? Every morning when you wake up you are reminder, as you are throughout the rest of the day.

    Reconciliation is possible in nearly any situation, but true reconciliation doesn't require forgetfulness, just forgiveness.

    Great post, Kim!

    Note: I'vebeen away and have missed many good blogs, including yours.

  10. I am glad to read this post and you have expressed it well. Thanks Warren Baldwin for directing me here.



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