Sunday, 27 September 2009

Breaking taboos

I know it's sort of an unwritten taboo to talk about pregnancy until the end of the first trimester but tired of following silly rules, I've decided to share my thoughts with you. I'm trying to get pregnant and it's not as easy this time around.

A thousand anxieties and fears run through my mind everyday. First of all I want to talk about the fact that in my mind's eye we are a family of four. And the knowing of that creates a feeling of limbo that I could never have imagined back in my somewhat carefree single days. I'm cognizant of all the things I should be thinking - I'm so blessed to have Shaune and Deaglan, a comfortable house to live in, a decent job, supportive family and friends. And of course I am grateful for all of it.

But there is this part of me, which until recently lay dormant, and at first whispered softly - you need to have one more baby NOW and is slowly becoming louder and more demanding. Our plan had been to wait until the end of the summer to start trying. This way Deaglan would be older, we would feel satisfied knowing he had us all to himself for an appropriate length of time - all of those kinds of considerations that run through parents' minds.

However, the minute we began trying, that other part of me began to take over. By the end of each cycle, it would convince me that I was pregnant. I looked for feelings of nausea, was sure that wanting mayonnaise and fries was a 'craving', felt the cramps that often come in the first few weeks of conception indicating that the fertilized egg was attaching to the uterine wall. But then much to my great disappointment, evidence to the contrary would show up and prove me wrong every time.

This has been a difficult way to live.

Combined with this anxiety is the fear of being pregnant and having a toddler to take care of. I had nausea around the clock for the first four months with Deaglan. Doing the absolute necessities like going to work and showing up for my midwife appointments left me spent and exhausted. My back pain was unbearable at times and for the last few months I had to sleep on the couch downstairs. I think about all of this and worry about Deaglan. We have so much one-on-one time together. I pick him up all the time just because I want to nuzzle his neck or give him a kiss. And we have our routines.

I've spoken to lots of friends who have a second and third and even fourth child and they all tell me the same types of things. It will all work out. The relationship between he and I won't change, it may need to be reorganized and tweaked a bit.

And then there is also a part of me that wants to kick my own butt and say enjoy today, don't worry so much, things will all work out the way they are supposed to. But sadly this has never been my way.

So these days I'm trying not to analyze every small tingle or tiny cramp I feel. I'm telling myself that whenever it happens will be the right time and just because I'm 38.5 doesn't mean I don't still have enough time. I'm telling myself to live in the moment, enjoy my time with Deaglan while he's still an only child. I'm telling myself all of these things and almost believing them.


  1. Between my pregnancies, I took a bunch of pregnancy tests. I always thought that I had the "symptoms". I did analyze my body too closely. When I did become pregnant, it actually kind of sneaked up on me. Once I stopped thinking so much (which is almost impossible for me:), it all kind of worked out.

    Kim, everything will work out. Don't worry. Just keep smiling and playing with Deaglan. Hugs always!

  2. life in the 'olden' days was so easy. an unwanted pregnacy at 18, a child at 19, another pregnacy immediately, a second baby at 20 - to stupid to question - to inexperienced to know what a baby needs in the way of attention from his mother....maybe too much knowledge is not always best. I tied my tubes against all advice at 25 years old, by then I had had enough of babies, and hand washing diapers, and trying to find the money to get medical care the two babies needed.
    When emotions, and personal needs are being talked about there is no 'shoulds or shouldn't' It is not my way either to just be happy with today. wish I could give you a hug - rub your back.

  3. You will hear a lot of this: It is all going to work out the way it is supposed to.
    You will handle it all just fine. Your relationship with Deaglan will change once the new baby comes along... but not in a bad way. You will be adding more layers to the connection you already have together.

    Remember: just because there are more things that you want or that you wish for, it in NO WAY means that you are unappreciative of the blessings in your life and the people in it.

  4. This may be hard to believe, but I know oh so well the kind of yearning and anxiety about wanting a 2nd baby SO BADLY and thinking it might not happen. I spent a couple years between two of my children this way; I know it seems awful now.

    If it happened before, it can happen again. Being a bit older might mean it takes a bit longer, but, in the meantime, be as proactive as you can! And don't worry NOW about how difficult the pregnancy may be or how Deaglan will react to a baby. I hate to be redundant, but things will work out!

    Good luck, Kim! I can't wait for an exciting update soon! :)

  5. My daughter-in-law went through this, but she now has two sons. Good luck!

  6. Oh Kim, I wish I could do or say something that would help the worry. All I can say is when you look back you will see that everything happens as it should.

    It took us a couple years before we had T Rex and then amazingly the second time around it happened first try. But I think it just balanced out the way it was supposed to. By the way, my mom had me when she was 40, my mother-in-law had my husband when she was 40 and my sister had my nephew when she was 38.5.

    My first pregnancy was so easy but the second has been so tough. You never know what hand you're going to be dealt. But worrying does not help. Although, sometimes it's had to not worry.

    When it took so long with T Rex I took up new hobbies and just when I started getting good, I got pregnant. (I started playing the oboe! How crazy is that!)

    And it is tough having a toddler and being pregnant if you have all the nausea and vomiting. But I just make it through day to day. And I get as many snuggles as possible.

    I will say one more thing - sorry to be so long winded. I want to give my son everything. The tipping point to wanting to have another child was so I could give him a sibling. I think he will be a better person for it. Just a thought.

    Be well. (I have some ovulation kits is you're interested in them. I purchased a pack and since it happened first round, I have some left over. I am happy to toss them in the mail with some of our local water!)

  7. I have lived this battle too. I feel for you. I really do.

  8. I think what your feeling is really normal. I went through this between Melanie and Hannah, and had such fears that Melanie would never have a sibling. When I look back on it now, I wish I didn't worry so much and just enjoyed the time alone with Melanie. Once a new baby comes, your relationship with Deaglan will change, but only grow deeper. Plus, I was much more relaxed, the second time around, a huge plus for both girls. It will happen, the hard part is the waiting. Soon, you'll look back and this will just be a faint memory as you are taking care of two beautiful children.

  9. Totally, completely normal. I remember feeling exactly this way between my first and second pregnancies. It's hard sometimes to just stop and enjoy the here and now without thinking of the next step. I struggle with it all the time.

    I'm sure it will all work out.

  10. I am sending you well wishes and vibes for that family of four you dream of. I haven't yet wanted to extend my family yet but I know that when I do, I'll be feeling the same way. Big hugs to you!

  11. Kim i totally understand the way you feel... it took me 9 months to get pregnant with my first. just keep trying! and have fun with it! dont overanalyze because it will just stress you out! and you have lots of time to get pregnant! you are still at a good age! Good luck!

  12. Oh, I so get this, even though it's been a few years. I so wanted a second child - always wanted to have two. I had some problems with the birth that made getting pregnant the second time much more difficult than the first, and when I did, I miscarried. I thought my heart was cracked into a million pieces that would never heal. But three months later I was pregnant again and had my second son. Also - yes, having morning sickness is even more wretched when you have a child to take care of. And yes, having a baby when you have a toddler is more tiring. But you know what? It's all okay. It really, truly is. I never had a moment's regret. And besides, this time around you'll be an old pro at the mothering gig. Healthy fertile vibes being sent your way!

  13. Keep telling yourself until you believe. Blessings to you on "living and loving". :) By the way, do we share brain cells? I feel like you are consistently writing about things in my life too. :)

  14. Oh hon, I've been's so hard to deal with when you have trouble getting pregnant. It took me 23 months (of failed tries and negative pregnancy tests) to get pregnant with Fiona. It was the hardest two years of my life. I eventually went to see a reproductive endocrynologist. She was our saving grace. Turned out we couldn't have gotten pregnant on our own the old fashioned way - so if you keep trying without success you might want to go see one of those specialists. It isn't admitting defeat; it's admitting you MIGHT need help. Best of luck, and I won't tell you to relax because I KNOW it's impossible! ARGH!


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