Breaking taboos

I know it's sort of an unwritten taboo to talk about pregnancy until the end of the first trimester but tired of following silly rules, I've decided to share my thoughts with you. I'm trying to get pregnant and it's not as easy this time around.

A thousand anxieties and fears run through my mind everyday. First of all I want to talk about the fact that in my mind's eye we are a family of four. And the knowing of that creates a feeling of limbo that I could never have imagined back in my somewhat carefree single days. I'm cognizant of all the things I should be thinking - I'm so blessed to have Shaune and Deaglan, a comfortable house to live in, a decent job, supportive family and friends. And of course I am grateful for all of it.

But there is this part of me, which until recently lay dormant, and at first whispered softly - you need to have one more baby NOW and is slowly becoming louder and more demanding. Our plan had been to wait until the end of the summer to start trying. This way Deaglan would be older, we would feel satisfied knowing he had us all to himself for an appropriate length of time - all of those kinds of considerations that run through parents' minds.

However, the minute we began trying, that other part of me began to take over. By the end of each cycle, it would convince me that I was pregnant. I looked for feelings of nausea, was sure that wanting mayonnaise and fries was a 'craving', felt the cramps that often come in the first few weeks of conception indicating that the fertilized egg was attaching to the uterine wall. But then much to my great disappointment, evidence to the contrary would show up and prove me wrong every time.

This has been a difficult way to live.

Combined with this anxiety is the fear of being pregnant and having a toddler to take care of. I had nausea around the clock for the first four months with Deaglan. Doing the absolute necessities like going to work and showing up for my midwife appointments left me spent and exhausted. My back pain was unbearable at times and for the last few months I had to sleep on the couch downstairs. I think about all of this and worry about Deaglan. We have so much one-on-one time together. I pick him up all the time just because I want to nuzzle his neck or give him a kiss. And we have our routines.

I've spoken to lots of friends who have a second and third and even fourth child and they all tell me the same types of things. It will all work out. The relationship between he and I won't change, it may need to be reorganized and tweaked a bit.

And then there is also a part of me that wants to kick my own butt and say enjoy today, don't worry so much, things will all work out the way they are supposed to. But sadly this has never been my way.

So these days I'm trying not to analyze every small tingle or tiny cramp I feel. I'm telling myself that whenever it happens will be the right time and just because I'm 38.5 doesn't mean I don't still have enough time. I'm telling myself to live in the moment, enjoy my time with Deaglan while he's still an only child. I'm telling myself all of these things and almost believing them.