Most of the time when I write a post here, I have something on my mind I want to express. Most of the time it's about parenting and family life. But that's not the only thing that preoccupies me - parenting I mean.
There is a lot on my mind these days. A lot of it has to do with my childhood. Since Matthew's death some of the more difficult parts of my growing up years won't leave me alone. Events and experiences I thought I'd made peace with have resurfaced and I'm re-evaluating.
Sometimes I'm shocked - and actually Shaune just this morning echoed the same feeling - truly shocked that I'm not more screwed up than I am. I'm certain that it's the reason I didn't have children till my late thirties, that I needed the extra time to process all those years in my family home.
I know all the right things to do and think. Accept it all and move on. Recognize that everyone did their best. Leave the past there. Live for today. Yada, yada, yada.
A tragedy challenges those well known axioms. A terrible beast of a thing like suicide stops you cold and forces you to be authentic with yourself. It gives you a knowing look when you try to say certain comforting things like ahhh but there was nothing I could have done.
The truth is that there was a lot many of us could have done and didn't do. We got too comfortable in our own lives. We preferred to ignore signs. We wanted to believe that the perfect circumstance would snap him out of it. We convinced ourselves that we were powerless over it. We wanted to talk about family and love and togetherness when it felt good but when ugliness showed up we decided it was best to let each person take care of themselves.
Lately when I dream about Deaglan or get an image of him in my mind, he always has Matthew's face at that same age. He was so funny at Deaglan's age - outspoken, wonderous and hilarious with a freckled nose.