Most of the time when I write a post here, I have something on my mind I want to express. Most of the time it's about parenting and family life. But that's not the only thing that preoccupies me - parenting I mean.There is a lot on my mind these days. A lot of it has to do with my childhood. Since Matthew's death some of the more difficult parts of my growing up years won't leave me alone. Events and experiences I thought I'd made peace with have resurfaced and I'm re-evaluating.
Sometimes I'm shocked - and actually Shaune just this morning echoed the same feeling - truly shocked that I'm not more screwed up than I am. I'm certain that it's the reason I didn't have children till my late thirties, that I needed the extra time to process all those years in my family home.
I know all the right things to do and think. Accept it all and move on. Recognize that everyone did their best. Leave the past there. Live for today. Yada, yada, yada.
A tragedy challenges those well known axioms. A terrible beast of a thing like suicide stops you cold and forces you to be authentic with yourself. It gives you a knowing look when you try to say certain comforting things like ahhh but there was nothing I could have done.
The truth is that there was a lot many of us could have done and didn't do. We got too comfortable in our own lives. We preferred to ignore signs. We wanted to believe that the perfect circumstance would snap him out of it. We convinced ourselves that we were powerless over it. We wanted to talk about family and love and togetherness when it felt good but when ugliness showed up we decided it was best to let each person take care of themselves.
Lately when I dream about Deaglan or get an image of him in my mind, he always has Matthew's face at that same age. He was so funny at Deaglan's age - outspoken, wonderous and hilarious with a freckled nose.
I think that's why your blog posts are so impactful - it's because you've been churning things over in your mind.
ReplyDeleteAnd hindsight is 20/20. Don't beat yourself up over it.
I hope you are well.
My father in law committed suicide almost 12 years ago. My husband and I often have similar churnings wondering if we were not present enough for him. I think my husband just shelves those thoughts away. It's too hard for him. We all do the best we can in this world. Look at those beautiful boys and hug them closely. I'm sure that Matthew's love and warmth surround you all each day. He's at a beautiful peace. That's what we try to remind ourselves each day in my home.
ReplyDeleteSending love and hugs to you, my friend.
Bad things from your childhood often get stirred up by any traumatic event.
ReplyDeleteAnd hindsight is so clear, but not always accurate. You can't know what you should or shouldn't have done and he was fighting his own demons.
Grief is a strange thing, and it can hit you at different moments. I am the one in my family who is doing ok, after going through some really wicked stuff. I purpose to let myself feel the pain, the anger, the grief, the confusion, but also feel the love, the compassion, the joy, and the hope. I see the love and compassion you express for your boys...We second guess ourselves when we care. Caring is never a bad thing my friend. peace
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