A friend of mine's 15 year old daughter periodically reminds her that she was a really mean mom when her brother Jack was born. The daughter was almost three when my friend's son was born. My friend says that she has a pretty good relationship with her two teenagers but admits that it was hard, hard work juggling a newborn and a toddler. She tells me this story to give me room to complain about my life. It's a nice gesture. But what I take away from this?
I was under the misguided notion that Deaglan won't remember these days. That if I slip up here and there, he'll be none the wiser when he's old enough to seek therapy. Like the other day when I woke up, clearly on the wrong side of the bed, and exclaimed Oh for f@#*'s sake because I couldn't even make it to the washroom before Deaglan was asking me for a million and one things. Shaune just looked up in astonishment and wisely didn't say a word. Later that same day, while playing on the floor and talking to himself, we heard our three year-old say - Awww F**k it! In my defense, I almost never use it as a verb so I don't know where he got that from!
And also? I stopped swearing almost completely when I became a mother. It's only been recently since a certain toddler needs to be told something 19 times before he'll even entertain the notion of listening and since I stopped sleeping about eight months ago. And mostly, I just swear under my breath.
I'd be misleading you if I let you believe that my experience of motherhood is all sunshine and roses. Like my friend says, it's hard, hard work. I try to keep perspective by remembering how lucky I am to have two healthy beautiful kids, but it doesn't always work. Sometimes I want to lock myself in the bathroom and scream. Sometimes after I've told Deaglan to stop jumping 85 times and then on the 86th time he hurts himself, I want to say see, what did I tell you? But it's not the job. I'm supposed to hug him, comfort him.
And I don't always want to play. Let me rephrase that, I don't want to play a lot of the time. I'd rather be checking off my mental to-do list, or enjoying a hot beverage curled up with the laptop. But that's not the job either.
So there you have it. Full disclosure.
Even though I love this job, there are lots of times I feel tired, and challenged and inept.
Now that I have that off my chest - phew that feels good - I'll explain the pictures. I'm hosting a wedding shower next weekend for one of my very closest friends - Erin. That explains why I'm decorating for Valentine's Day - something I usually boycott. I've been trying to find the best vignette for my shelves. I've got a few other little projects I'm working on that I'll post next week.
I also wanted to post a recent picture of myself - it's one of my favourite things when I visit a blog - to have an idea of what the blogger looks like. This is a self portrait I took today. I got some clearer shots but they were a little too clear for my liking if you know what I mean. No one needs to see my big pores and acne.
And I had two potted crocus plants for my shelves, but this a**hole above has been eating them. I know I'm gonna hear it from Shaune for calling the damned cat names on the internet, but seriously. Can I have one nice thing in this house without the cat or kids wrecking it??