Saturday, 5 February 2011

That mood where even the cat is a target

A friend of mine's 15 year old daughter periodically reminds her that she was a really mean mom when her brother Jack was born. The daughter was almost three when my friend's son was born. My friend says that she has a pretty good relationship with her two teenagers but admits that it was hard, hard work juggling a newborn and a toddler. She tells me this story to give me room to complain about my life. It's a nice gesture. But what I take away from this?


I was under the misguided notion that Deaglan won't remember these days. That if I slip up here and there, he'll be none the wiser when he's old enough to seek therapy. Like the other day when I woke up, clearly on the wrong side of the bed, and exclaimed Oh for f@#*'s sake because I couldn't even make it to the washroom before Deaglan was asking me for a million and one things. Shaune just looked up in astonishment and wisely didn't say a word. Later that same day, while playing on the floor and talking to himself, we heard our three year-old say - Awww F**k it! In my defense, I almost never use it as a verb so I don't know where he got that from!

And also? I stopped swearing almost completely when I became a mother. It's only been recently since a certain toddler needs to be told something 19 times before he'll even entertain the notion of listening and since I stopped sleeping about eight months ago. And mostly, I just swear under my breath.

I'd be misleading you if I let you believe that my experience of motherhood is all sunshine and roses. Like my friend says, it's hard, hard work. I try to keep perspective by remembering how lucky I am to have two healthy beautiful kids, but it doesn't always work. Sometimes I want to lock myself in the bathroom and scream. Sometimes after I've told Deaglan to stop jumping 85 times and then on the 86th time he hurts himself, I want to say see, what did I tell you? But it's not the job. I'm supposed to hug him, comfort him.

And I don't always want to play. Let me rephrase that, I don't want to play a lot of the time. I'd rather be checking off my mental to-do list, or enjoying a hot beverage curled up with the laptop. But that's not the job either.

So there you have it. Full disclosure. 

Even though I love this job, there are lots of times I feel tired, and challenged and inept. 
 Now that I have that off my chest - phew that feels good - I'll explain the pictures. I'm hosting a wedding shower next weekend for one of my very closest friends - Erin. That explains why I'm decorating for Valentine's Day - something I usually boycott. I've been trying to find the best vignette for my shelves. I've got a few other little projects I'm working on that I'll post next week.

I also wanted to post a recent picture of myself - it's one of my favourite things when I visit a blog - to have an idea of what the blogger looks like. This is a self portrait I took today. I got some clearer shots but they were a little too clear for my liking if you know what I mean. No one needs to see my big pores and acne.

And I had two potted crocus plants for my shelves, but this a**hole above has been eating them. I know I'm gonna hear it from Shaune for calling the damned cat names on the internet, but seriously. Can I have one nice thing in this house without the cat or kids wrecking it??


  1. I have to tell you that after being cooped up in the house for most of the past 2 weeks due to excessive amounts of snow, I'm about to loose it.. and I've been yelling more at my 4 year old...

    and just this morning, after I sent him to his room because I needed him to be out of my face, I felt guilty! I thought, oh God what if these are the memories that stick? Not the other million moments that we spend snuggling, laughing, playing? the thought makes me sad... and I just have to keep going and trying to do better, right?

    we all do, and yes it's a hard, hard job!

  2. Hey Kim! Thank you so much for your honesty... especially about the playing part. I dread it... I don't know how to play with boy-toys... my helicopter noises suck and don't even get me started on my car noises (glug glug or vroom vroom)! But I can "peep peep" with the best of them, thank goodness Aiden is still loving his trains!

    I often find myself counting down the hours until nap time or when daddy gets home. And it doesn't help that we only have one car right now and Dan takes it to work... so it's me, Aiden and a bunch of boy toys! Somebody help me! :o)

    Mommies... we're a special kind of creature and I can only hope our children will appreciate when they're older.


  3. I was the mom who threw the childcare book against the wall after reading that kids who don't watch tv are better off. (While I also hit "rewind" so Amy could watch Winnie the Pooh for the 85th time.)

    We aren't perfect-but we love our kids. That's what counts.

    I need to work on my self portrait too-and you look lovely, by the way:)

  4. I get pretty angry at our dog and she typically just goes after napkins and kleenex. I don't think the kids remember it so much. At least that's what I tell myself!

  5. Well, you know I am married to a Canadian, so I know you can't help but say the f-word LOL! Bless you heart! :)
    The decorations are adorable!
    At the age we are at, and the age our kids are - it is simply exhausting. Don't beat yourself up about it - I should take my own advice on that.
    I think that we put too much pressure on ourselves to be the perfect Moms. I have a great Mom and she was awesome to me when I was young - but she did not devote every waking moment to my sheer joy, pleasure and entertainment. That is what grandparents are for!
    We have to learn to give ourselves a break :)

  6. Ok now that was scary. Honestly Kim, but it is the truth i guess, something that i need to prepare myself for. when i think about raising my future daughter, i try not to think of the bad days, i intentionally leave them out. i should not i guess.

  7. Can I tell what relief it is to hear that I am not the only mom who loses her cool sometimes and swears and projects her frustration on the family pet. That is so refreshing! It just shows we are human and the moms who claim it's all sunshine and gumdrops are either robots or high on something.

  8. Marty and Patty were 13 months apart - basically they went through potty training together. I didn't have a washing machine until they were 6 and 18 mnths. Hand washed the diapers / towels / bed sheets. but I was 19 / 20 when they were born - I don't remember being tired.... I was too young to know the difference. and both were night sleepers right away. I don't think they will remember the bad days... don't sweat it. what they remember is the day you made them pancakes that look like rabits. or baked them the 'special' birthday cake, and unfortunately when you wouldn't let them drive the car or go to the party until 1 in the morning like all the other kids.....
    with both my son and my grandson I hated discussions of CCs of the motorcycle engine and baseball stats.,,, like who really cares.
    As far as I knwo my grandson and son Love me to this day.

  9. My biggest guilt issue is how much I worked, and how emotionally unavailable I was during the really bad times.
    My oldest, the one that took the brunt - is doing very good right now. We talked A LOT during the last five years, and that has really helped.

  10. First of all, you look GORGEOUS!!! And your decorating ideas are perfect for a shower.

    I have so many moments of flipping out on my kids. Motherhood is emotionally and physically draining most of the time. I love being a mom but it is really, really hard to keep it together all the time. Kids truly push your buttons. When they are toddlers and preschoolers, it is very tough because they never leave you alone and can drive you crazy. As they get older, you have your battles but we both go off to our corners and cool off. When they are little, it can be a very stressful time as the kids keep pushing and pushing and pushing you. (can you tell that I've gone through this with 4 kids? LOL) Anyway, Kim, you're a beautiful soul and mother who is doing her best. I don't think your boys will remember many of these battling moments. I know that my boys (like their father) seem to forget alot of things. My daughter, on the other hand, has a memory like an elephant and will probably remind me of every little thing as she gets older. I think we'll be on matching therapy couches by then. Hugs!!!!

  11. Amen Sister!! I have been literally "running" away from Noah lately. Thank you for being so honest.

  12. I'm a swearer. Always have been. But in the grand scheme of things, I think there are far worse things the kids could experience than bad words from me.

  13. I actually really love the self portrait. And the cat's (and the toddlers' for that matter, too) is a survival mechanism.

    Good luck with the shower. I like your decor.


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