This morning we broke routine and took separate vehicles.
Shaune has been driving us to our individual places and then picking us up at the end of each day, which, considering the demented weather up until a few days ago has been a wonderful thing for me. I’ve been caught without proper weather gear too many times this spring to not appreciate the full value of this door-to-door service.
Deaglan was very upset when he realized I’d be taking only Naveen in the van – the daycare is a few short blocks from my work - while he’d be riding the seconds to his school with Shaune. He began crying and it caught me off guard. I stooped down to his height and reminded him that I loved him and would see him right after school. We see this from him a few times a week. His love for one of us overwhelms him and though we may be in the same room, he misses us just the same.
I kissed him and drove off with a heavy heart.
I never underestimate what I mean – what Shaune and I mean – to these boys of ours. I never take it for granted.
It gives me such joy and value to be their mother. It satisfies me somewhere deep within myself. It is a quiet joy that rarely has me longing for anything else. Almost daily I spend chunks of the time we have together, just drinking them in, kissing their faces, and smelling their sweet boy skin.
They are by far the most beautiful sight I lay my eyes on each day.
And I constantly scrutinize my interaction with them. Most of the time I’m proud of the mother I am; it's easy to please them at these ages let me tell you. But I also spend a few minutes every day asking God to make me a better, more understanding, more patient person for their sake.
Because of them, I am inspired all the time to be my best possible self. For them. Yet what I know to be true is this: they love me just the way I am.
I rarely feel like I’m missing out on other aspects of life. I don't often yearn to be places without them. When I do, I go. I love to be around them when I’m not at work. I feel no shame in admitting this. Of course our time together is not always perfect. I know there will be a day when they will have their own lives but while I am the centre of their universe, I want to be what they need.
In this I don’t feel like I’m sacrificing anything. I know it's my right path, my purpose right now.
Deaglan finally found the courage to try out his big-guy bike this past weekend. Once he understood how it was done and tasted that first sweet bit of freedom, he was completely hooked. Every evening after dinner he rides our short block, completely enthralled, the wind blowing through his T-shirt.