Last love letter to an only child

Dear Deaglan,

It's not that this is the last love letter I will ever write to you, it's just that very soon after this, you will no longer be our only child. And although it thrills me that you will have a little brother soon, it also makes me a bit despondent that you will have to share our attention.

A few weeks ago the thought of this made me sob silently in the middle of the night while your Dad lay snoring, sound asleep beside me. It was a few moments in the still of the night, when all my best efforts to rationalize failed me. My heart refused to be comforted in the knowledge that my love for you would never change, or that it would only increase in capacity for love for you and your brother.

No. I was sad at the thought of the impending changes for you.

You've been the beginning of my day, the end of my day and all of the time in between since you were born. I've memorized all of your freckles - sometimes panicking that it would one day be necessary to let someone know where each is located.

You've uttered the sweetest words my ears have ever heard and yet with just as casual effort you were able to almost break my heart. I've never been so vulnerable as I am with you.

In a few days you will be 28 months old. Your Dad and I are constantly amazed at how fast you are developing. And although secretly we believe you must be some sort of a genius or at least very advanced for your age, we try to keep this to ourselves. We don't want people thinking we're obnoxious. Honestly though, the way you recite your ABC's or climb up the ladder of your swingset - that can't be normal for a two-year old, can it???

But seriously my sweet first baby, I hope that you will always feel loved, as loved as the love we feel for you.
I hope that with the arrival of your baby brother, we become even better parents for you.

Love Mommy

39 things I'm grateful for

1. I have a wonderful family and great friends.
2. I never worry about food, water or shelter.
3. I am a woman living in a peaceful country with the right to exercise choice and personal freedom.
4. My job is steady and provides us with security.
5. I am willing to become a better person everyday.
6. I know that I have flaws.
7. I know what most of them are.
8. My health.
9. Parenthood.
10. Good books.
11. Digital cameras, blogging and email.
12. My past.
13. Epidurals.
14. That Shaune likes to cook.
15. Springtime.
16. Deaglan's voice.
17. Thoughtfulness, kindness and open-mindedness.
18. Humour, good spiritedness, and generosity.
19. The second trimester.
20. Pecan pie.
21. Clearance racks.
22. Getting personal snail-mail (not bills).
23. Education.
24. A year of maternity leave.
25. Sleep.
26. Flat irons.
27. A clean house and fresh laundry.
28. Baby movements in my belly.
29. Midwifery.
30. Healthcare.
31. Income tax refunds.
32. That I will soon be mother of two.
33. The people at Deaglan's daycare.
34. Buying used whenever I can.
35. Shaune's love and thoughtfulness.
36. That I'm learning about childhood through Deaglan's eyes.
37. That these days I can spot happiness and am able to stop and savour it.

38. That pregnancy is a temporary state!
39. That I will turn 39 tomorrow and feel okay about it.

For me

I don't spend a lot of time doing my make-up. I get my hair cut and coloured about every four months.

I do have my eyebrows and upper lip threaded every two weeks but this is a preventative measure more than anything. Maybe even a public service. The world doesn't need anymore unibrows I don't think. And I believe mustaches really only look good on the likes of Magnum and the Marlboro Man.

I like to dress well. It's business casual where I work. I love a good deal and rarely spend over $20.00 on an item of clothing unless it's a suit or a coat. I have no problem shopping in thrift stores either.

I may have a problem when it comes to accessories though. I adore earrings, necklaces, and bracelets. Not diamonds or gold or even silver. I prefer, wood, lucite, beads and plastic.

I did two things yesterday just for me. I'm not a martyr by any means. I know how to treat myself well. I just don't do it all the time. But yesterday was different.

I was tired and down all afternoon. The thought of being at work for eight more weeks felt like years to me. I looked at my vacation records and realized I had enough days to take some extra time off leading up to my due date. I sent my team and manager an email telling them that I would like to make my last day of work three weeks before the baby was to come. I want some time to myself to get things done and just be.

I then called Shaune on the way home and told him I was going to stop off and get a pedicure.

And I did.

Stumped

Last night as we were walking to the car from the daycare, Deaglan pointed to a truck in the Daycare’s driveway and said Look Mommy, a truck. And when I asked him what colour the truck was he replied correctly that it was red.

As I was buckling him in, he pointed to one of the student teachers and said Look Mommy it’s Sarah. And I said, Oh yeah, there’s Sarah.

Then he stumped me.

What colour is Sarah Mommy? He asked.

I know that he didn’t really mean it the way it sounded. I know that he was mimicking the question I had asked him earlier but I truly did not know how to answer him. In fact I didn’t want to answer him. It made me feel really uncomfortable just thinking about putting a label on her.

I wondered, not for the first time since having a child, whether this too was nature, nurture or a bit of both.

I tried to recall if there was a definitive moment in my life where I remember noticing someone’s skin colour. I wrote a bit about it here but really my life has been so different than Deaglan’s will surely be.

What colour do you think Sarah is? I asked.

Blue. He said.

I left it at that.

Handsome

Not too hard on the eyes in my opinion.

30 weeks

Just this morning some brave soul stuck her head out of her driver's side window and asked me if I was having twins. I smiled weakly and said no, just one.

Still she insisted that I looked like I was carrying twins. My tongue was almost bleeding from biting it as I replied almost inaudibly we all carry differently. She laughed out loud, and elbowed her friend in the ribs.

Then she noticed I was getting into the car to leave the packed parking lot. We'll wait for your parking spot she let me know.

Oh you know what, I almost chimed, it's an expectant mother spot. And with that, I buckled Deaglan in and backed out.

Sometimes God is immediate in his rewards.

Somewhere over the rainbow

I was laying in Deaglan's race car bed reading him his stories before tucking him in tonight and I realized that this was one of my favourite places. One of my most happy places. A place where I find consistent good moments.

And it's not that his bed is really all that cozy for the two of us - it's a toddler bed after all and I have grown into quite a large pregnant woman with very few reliably comfortable positions at my disposal.

But when we spend this time together, reading to each other, being silly and sleepy, it's one of those rare times during the day where I wish time would stop. Tonight he picked a lullaby book and instead of reading, we took turns of singing the songs to each other.

Here Deaglan is caught coming down the slide. He was attending his first real birthday party for his friend Marha. I didn't post any of the pictures of the other kids because I wasn't sure if I should get the kids' parents' permission before doing so.