Food for my soul

Someone said to me this morning about having two kids under three, I don't know how you do it. The comment made me feel at once weirdly guilty, like I didn't deserve her sympathy since so many people I know have three and four and even five kids and at the same time thankful that someone noticed how hard this is at times.

Being on maternity leave for the second time has been a completely different experience so far. I'm different. Less neurotic, more relaxed, more humble and lighter in the soul somehow.

Having these kids has been the greatest joy I've experienced so far in my life. I've loved writing about it here because it has allowed me to reflect and record and then look back. The writing seems to increase my level of consciousness - like when I'm about to parent Deaglan in a certain way I ask myself if I would approve of my behaviour if I read about it later. Not that there have been times when I've employed questionable parenting techniques - not yet anyway.

This is a picture of my niece - my sister's youngest and fifth. Isn't she something?

Will work for sleep

Let me ask you this. How does one, so small, so cuddly, so smoochable, so scrumptious looking, wreak such havoc on a household?

I am desperately tired. I am taking advice from anyone dispensing it. If you know of a way that I can even get a quick cat nap please call or email or text or facebook - whatever!

I bought the Baby Whisperer's second book. I don't know how I ever got Deaglan to sleep, maybe I didn't, I can't remember a thing about that time. All I know is that this kid only wants to sleep during the day when Deaglan is full of energy and raring to go.

At first I was 'co-sleeping' but that stopped working. Naveen started wriggling and squirming and crying all night long so I tried the next thing.

Crying it out.

But he just cried and cried and cried. We didn't like letting him cry especially since he never actually 'cried it out' so I took some friends' advice and bought Tracy Hogg's book. For a few days it looked promising. I put him on her three hour 'E.A.S.Y.' routine but in the last two days all bets seem to be off. Somehow his nights and days are even more confused. So the two or three hours of sleep I was getting at night no longer exist.

Here are a few thoughts that have been rattling around in my overtired mind.

How am I functioning on such little sleep?

Why hasn't someone claimed to be the Marriage Whisperer and made millions focusing saving the marriages of parents of infants?

Wasn't the second kid supposed to be a good sleeper if the first wasn't?

Why didn't I sleep more before I had kids????

and also - Couldn't you just eat him up?

From heaven

A friend who recently lost her wonderful mother said to me of grief - it will just hit you one day when you are least expecting it that he is really gone.

I'm not sure if today was that day but I woke up thinking about him, drove to and from my errands with him in mind and there were some moments where the pain of his absence rocked me to the core.

When I checked my email this afternoon, I had one from a name I didn't recognize. She said that she was a friend of his from way back and that they had even been roommates at one time. Over the years, though they kept track of each other, they barely saw each other. Her last contact with him was on Facebook a few months before his passing where he wrote on her wall - miss you - and she responded - me too. She told me that she loved him dearly and was in too much pain to introduce herself to me at his funeral.

I can't tell you how strongly I feel that this beautiful email in my inbox today was his way of comforting me.

Thank you Matt. I hope heaven is giving you all that this world could not. xoxo

Heart of Gold

On the way to the library today, Deaglan kept saying: Heart of gold Mommy, Heart of gold. It took me a few minutes to figure out that he was requesting a song. We were in Shaune's car, the one he has been driving Deaglan to daycare in since I had the baby.

I only knew one song with that title and it was by Neil Young. I tried the CD player and sure enough the first song was Heart of Gold by Neil Young. I glanced in the rearview mirror and saw that Deaglan's lips were moving. He actually knew most of the lyrics and was singing along.

Sing with me Mommy he yelled over the music. I joined him in the chorus and had to smile to myself. Obviously he and Shaune listen to this quite often together on their rides to the daycare but I was still amazed that he not only loved the song but also knew almost every word. We had to listen to it three times on the 12 minute drive to the library.

I can't wait to tell him about this when he gets older.

To Naveen - a love video

Naveen,

today you are 8 weeks and I'm a little behind. This is a video of you two weeks ago.

Love always,

Mommy

The toddler

As challenging as these days are, I wish I could really capture them in my mind so that I will always remember.

At 2.5 Deaglan is his own person so much so that sometimes we have to remind ourselves that he really is only two.

Like this morning when I asked him (for the hundredth time) to get out of the baby's swing he responded with: Mommy please don't talk to me like that, I don't like it.
He even had my tone right.

Most of the time he is sweet and loving often telling all of us that he "wuvs" us. He's crazy about his grandparents and his baby brother, wants constantly to play trucks where he will assign you the truck you are allowed to use and has a million questions mostly about inanimate objects like bridges, ambulances or other moving vehicles. It usually begins with - look mommy there's a bridge! What's the bridge doing mommy?

He thinks, like his Dad, any noises emitted from the body are downright hilarious and he will not hesitate to announce Mommy tooted!!! should you accidentally experience some gas in his presence. And then quickly Say excuse me, mommy! Say excuse me!

Today as I was toting Naveen around in the carrier while boiling a turkey dog for Deaglan's lunch stepping over toys and crusts from his toast this morning, I found myself affirming:

This is exactly where I'm supposed to be. It's okay that this is the fourth time I've given him a turkey dog in three days and it's okay that the house is a mess and it's okay that I've threatened to put him in a time out 15 times because he won't stop trying to hit the baby's head with a balloon. This is my life right now.

I know that I won't remember these days. I don't remember much about the blur of the first three months of Deaglan's life either. All I know is that this time around I'm a bit more relaxed, a bit easier on myself and a lot more aware that I better enjoy the moments I can because they go by so damned quickly!

Those greeters get a bad rap

I was in a department store (starts with an S and ends with an S) that I never shop in unless I've either received a gift I need to exchange or a gift certificate I need to spend. I don't know what it is about this store but it really bugs me. The layout, the merchandise, the sales associates and even the customers irritate me.

Then it came to me.

I was in there with Naveen a few weeks ago exchanging an outfit he received because the sizing was all wrong. It was a summer outfit that would fit him in the middle of next winter.

There we were, walking through the store, stopping to look at ladies' dresses (we have a wedding to attend next week), housewares (I'm looking for a shelving solution for the space next to the fridge) and then moving onto the second floor to infant wear.

And do you know that not one person commented on how cute my little Naveen was? Not any of the middle aged female sales associates, not a single one of the 900 seniors that were milling about trying on overpriced shoes and overcoats who I'm certain were grandparents to infants like him. Not one person.
At one point I wanted to approach a group of grandmas passing by who didn't so much as take a second look at my sweet baby (who could easily star in a Gap ad or be the Gerber baby if you ask me) and say:

Excuse me! Are you blind? Do you not see this adorable perfect child? Is there a reason you're not stopping to tell me how unbelievably gorgeous he is??

Even when I had found the right size and waited for 20 minutes so that the sales associate could figure out how to do a straight exchange of the exact same item, no one so much as uttered awww he's really cute or even he looks brand new.

Nothing.

At least at Walmart people know a cute baby when they see one .