Tuesday, 21 May 2019

He would have loved Instagram

I have gone full days without thinking about Matthew.

This is inevitable I think. 

Life takes over. Sometimes it’s the madness of the morning routine that propels me out of bed and insists I execute like clockwork to make it to the finish line of leaving the house at the exact right second to get to work on time. This must all be done with precision, without forgetting to sign a note,  fill a water bottle, ensure phones are charged and keys are in the right place.  And once I’m in the car, my thoughts are consumed by the need to avoid construction and traffic, all the while listening for a text telling me they’re safely at the bus stop. It's hard to fit one more thing into my mind on those days.

It's not surprising that after nine years of him not being here, I do sometimes go for days without thinking of my brother.

But then I’ll catch a snippet of a stand-up routine on Instagram, see a particularly handsome man on the street or binge something mind-blowing on Netflix and yearn for him to be the one I discuss these things with.  I’ll remember something funny he did as a kid and tell Shaune and the kids for the hundredth time, knowing they’ve heard it but decide to tell them anyway because I just need to talk about him.

When someone you love passes, it’s hard to know how to keep them alive in your life. It’s harder when that person left you too early. I know all that stuff we say about the loss. You know those things people say like “God called them home” or “ They were only meant to be here for a short time”. Those platitudes don’t make the fact that he was a living breathing twinkling thread of light for our family who we lost without warning any easier. It doesn't change the fact that it left us shattered and in the dark for a long time.

I’m remembering him today on the nine year anniversary of his passing. It was such a deep and sad loss for us. 

I'm thinking about my Mom and Dad because I can't imagine losing a child.