How to ease Christmas nausea

At Costco last weekend there were two and a half aisles of Christmas stuff. I guess it’s just an unwritten rule that stores wait till Halloween is over before displaying it. And because it was a hot October day, not even Canadian Thanksgiving yet, I felt like I was in my still decorated living room on January first; nauseous at the sight of it.

The kids were with me and Deaglan asked for every single toy we passed. At first I tried silence but that didn’t fly. After saying no a few times, I finally told him he’d have to ask Santa for them.

Sheesh.

I’ve written before that this time of year always leaves me churning a little; I’m not sure how to embrace it because the commercial idea of Christmas makes me sick. With small kids though, it’s hard not to get sucked in.

But because I feel a responsibility to raise my kids’ awareness that we live a very cozy life, we don’t know the meaning of need, hunger or suffering, I’ve been chipping away at teaching Deaglan about the people who do. We bought a globe at the beginning of the summer at a garage sale. Many an afternoon we’ve laid together on his bed naming different countries.

I’ve told him about Bangladesh where I’m from, about the kids there, how they don’t have much to eat, that their parents can’t afford to buy toys. I’ve found myself breathing sighs of relief when his concerned little face came up with ways to help those kids.

Every so often I show him the picture of Sabina, our sponsored child, remind him that her life is very different from ours. I tell him that we are sharing some of our money so that we can help her and her family have a better life. And always during these brief talks, he thinks of ways we can share other things with her, mostly his toys.

And even though I know he doesn’t quite get it, I see that just bringing it up does us all good - gets us thinking about something outside of ourselves.

Last week I decided to accept the Visa my bank was offering and close my extra MasterCard. The exchange meant I’d have to contact World Vision to change my account information – put our monthly donation to Sabina’s family on the Visa now. It got me thinking about how we never ever notice that money being gone.

What’s $35 to us?

I called Shaune at work and asked him how he’d feel about adding another child to our account. I’m happy to say we are now helping three year old Keerthana and her family in Sri Lanka.

And just like that, I’m not dreading this Christmas season - as much.

Who's running this show anyways?

Isn't it amazing how life just happens anyway even when it isn't on your to-do list?

Here's what I mean.

My goal was to start taking the task of potty training Deaglan seriously in the last six months of my maternity leave. I figured that by then Naveen might be sleeping a bit through the night and I would have the energy to roll-up my sleeves and really focus on reaching this milestone.

But life had other plans for me.

Deaglan developed this crazy diaper rash a few weeks ago - the first one that wasn't related to teething. We went to the doctor twice about it, coming home with a different remedy each time. Both times we were instructed to let him go commando around the house as often as possible to let his skin breathe. Although we did instruct Deaglan to let us know if he had to go, planning to hustle him to the potty each time, we had no idea that within a few days he would potty train himself. Yesterday he ran into the living room and said Mommy come and see what I did. Gulp! I thought I was going to be lead to the kitchen with the entire contents of the fridge on the floor or something disastrous like that but instead he lead me to the potty where he had peed perfectly within the confines of the vessel.

I think you all know where I'm going with this. There may be sleep in my future!

Blogging

Every few weeks I run into someone who says hey, I read your blog. It surprises me a little but not too much. I've made a link to it from my facebook page, and I also have pockets of people in the different parts of my life who have always read it and sometimes send the link on to their friends and family.

What does surprise me though is how strongly they feel about certain aspects of it. Strongly enough to make suggestions or backhanded critiques as if I am writing it as part of a job and they know how I can do that job better.
A blog is such a weird thing when you think about it. I mean I've always written in a journal, probably all of my adult life and most of my teen years. But a blog takes journalling to a whole new dimension. It's no longer something that might accidentally be read by a snooping parent or partner. Suddenly your life is out there for people to read, to judge, to agree or disagree. It's this aspect that is tough to take as the writer. It forces you to censor yourself, leave out parts of your life that would make for good material and it behoves you to consider your readers.

Mostly I write for the joy of writing and seeing my thoughts - well my life in that writing. I've learned a few things about myself so far in this lifetime. I need to excercise regularly, my house needs to be clean most of the time and I need to write almost everyday. These three things are what I need to feel healthy, that my day-to-day life is thriving.

Blogging isn't about writing meticulously - it's not an essay for university or college, or a business memo for work or even a book report. It's supposed to be informal and relatable and hopefully interesting to some people. My style on this blog is very matter-of-fact and as someone pointed out to me recently - conversational. I've just found that the blogs that keep my attention are a good combination of personal mixed with informational and they have to be written so that it's fun and easy to read them.

I try to write about what's going on in my life at that moment. Sometimes I've crossed the line into being preachy, or complaining, and often I've been repetitive. I figure that it's my blog, my choice of content. I'm happy when people get anything out of it but I'll keep writing even if they don't.

Shaune says he reads my blog at work almost daily and it thrills him to see a new post. See what I mean about censoring? Imagine the posts I could write if he weren't reading!

This is a picture of Deaglan and his three paternal aunts (Katie, Tanis and Chrissy) last Christmas.

For me

I don't spend a lot of time doing my make-up. I get my hair cut and coloured about every four months.

I do have my eyebrows and upper lip threaded every two weeks but this is a preventative measure more than anything. Maybe even a public service. The world doesn't need anymore unibrows I don't think. And I believe mustaches really only look good on the likes of Magnum and the Marlboro Man.

I like to dress well. It's business casual where I work. I love a good deal and rarely spend over $20.00 on an item of clothing unless it's a suit or a coat. I have no problem shopping in thrift stores either.

I may have a problem when it comes to accessories though. I adore earrings, necklaces, and bracelets. Not diamonds or gold or even silver. I prefer, wood, lucite, beads and plastic.

I did two things yesterday just for me. I'm not a martyr by any means. I know how to treat myself well. I just don't do it all the time. But yesterday was different.

I was tired and down all afternoon. The thought of being at work for eight more weeks felt like years to me. I looked at my vacation records and realized I had enough days to take some extra time off leading up to my due date. I sent my team and manager an email telling them that I would like to make my last day of work three weeks before the baby was to come. I want some time to myself to get things done and just be.

I then called Shaune on the way home and told him I was going to stop off and get a pedicure.

And I did.

Consciousness

Complaining about how tired I am these days doesn't have the same impact,even on me. It's nearly impossible to feel sorry for myself at the end of a workday because I have to make Deaglan dinner and then still do the bedtime routine. I 'm not even all that tempted to whine to somebody about how many times an hour I have to drag myself into the bathroom because the uterus has already started to put pressure on my bladder.

I've tried to stay conscious and remember what's going on in the world. I've been reminding myself regularly throughout the day that people are suffering, really, really suffering.

Why is it so easy for us to forget? Sometimes I wonder what it would really take for a person to change. You would think that having lived in one of the poorest countries in the world for the first seven years of a life, really knowing hunger, and having felt the shame of begging on the streets, that I wouldn't get too comfortable in this life - so easy and so abundant. But I do get comfortable and forget often.

I donated I reason with myself. What else can I do? That's the question that stumps me.

Since I gave birth to Deaglan I've wondered what I could offer his soul. I know that we take very good care of him. And culturally I can't give him much as far as my birth place. I was raised in a caucasian Canadian family. Lately the answer has been floating through me. I need to give him awareness. Consciousness. This place we live - this isn't the whole world. There is a great lack in a large part of the world. Maybe if I teach him to be aware, maybe something will change.

My thoughts and prayers are with you Haiti. I'm sorry this is happening to you. I'm sorry you are suffering so much.

A pregnant woman's bliss

The very talented writer Elizabeth Bradley honoured me with the Happy 101 award. It requires that I list ten things that make me blissfully happy. Since I am mid pregnancy I will share with you the things that make me happy these days.

1. Sleep - oh if sleep was sold in a jar I would take my life savings and buy every last bit that I could afford.

2. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks, nibblies, bites...I guess food in general.

3. Energy to get things done. When I get an adequate amount of sleep I almost feel like my old self and am able to cross off of tasks from my to-do list.

4. Jodi Picoult novels - this is a new joy I've discovered. My close friend Lesa loves Picoult's novels and told me about them.

5. Baby kicks - recently I've started feeling movements from the baby inside. It is the BEST part of pregnancy. Related to this is hearing the baby's heartbeat at my monthly midwife appointments.

6. Deaglan and Shaune - they are my love, my home, my life.

7. A clean house.

8. The smell of Gain detergent.

9. Picking Deaglan up from daycare. It's the best part of my day seeing his snotty little face again.

10. Moments I stop and realize I will soon be mother of two.

I would like to tag some of the wonderful people I read daily:

Kelly at My voice, my view

Jenn at T Rex Mom and Dad tales

Ginger at Flowers and More

Christy at A Lil Welsh Rarebit

Gerri at Peace and Love

Vicki at Vicki Unplugged

Jenn at Monkeyland

Secret Agent Woman at Blogging Incognito

Wendy at Adventures of Nurse Wendy

Kat at My Girls and Me

If you have a note on your blog that you don't want to receive awards please forgive me and feel free to ignore me.

Today

Today was a pretty good day.

Deaglan woke up at 5:20 am and wouldn't snooze a little longer after I brought him into our bed. So we started the day even though I could have slept for several more hours. But then Shaune came down at 7 and told me to go back to bed which I happily did until just after 9.

At Tim Horton's I stayed peaceful even though I sat in the drive thru line for almost 15 minutes. I thought about speaking up and asking what the hold up was but when I got to the window, I saw the young woman's face and realized she must have had a good reason.

We enjoyed coffee outside in the warmish morning sunshine while Deaglan was on the swing chattering away, watching the cars pass by.

At the store, we found the exact piece of art we had been imagining for the kitchen and were able to negotiate a lower price. We got home, and after Shaune sized, measured and hung the piece, we realized that it would look better in the living room. It took a few hours of me prodding him for him to agree to switch the prints (it required a lot of measuring, drilling and trying to hide the drill marks previously made) in the living room with this new piece in the kitchen. Now all is right.

Yesterday I found an old treasure chest for $8.00 at a garage sale. I'd been looking for something to use as a toybox for Deaglan's new room. Today we scraped away the old lining of the wooden chest, washed it down and painted it a light blue. It was fun. The sun's temperature was just right and there was the most comforting breeze all afternoon. Shaune let Deaglan play in the hose. He loved it. He kept squealing. Just because he was happy.

I put Deaglan to bed in his new room. So far it's been an easy transition. I'm now sitting with the laptop on my lap of all places, a glass of shiraz on the sidetable to my left with the smell of a Thai pasta on its way. Shaune's cooking and photographing. He's built a camera box so that he can take good pictures at night, of the food he cooks for his blog.

I don't think life could get any better. It's been a pretty good day.

Today

I couldn’t shake my bad mood today. I could blame it on the person at work who insisted on getting under my skin. I could claim that until that first encounter with her I was feeling alright. But that’s not completely true.

I woke up dreading the day ahead. No real reason. Just didn’t want to face it, would rather have stayed under the covers or at least under my own roof.

I drove toward the daycare without enjoying the ride. Instead I imagined different encounters I would have later that morning or afternoon. Imaginary conversations preoccupied me – angry conversations I couldn’t fight.

At the daycare, I noticed that Deaglan’s jacket was in another child’s cubby. I grabbed it and brought it to the toddler room where I put Deaglan down and asked with a slight hint of accusation – if it was possible that Deaglan’s jacket could be in Roger’s cubby. The young educator looked up a little surprised to hear this in my voice – usually I am pleasant and light. Yes, she laughed nervously, we couldn’t remember who the jacket belonged to and took a guess. Ashamed, I caught myself and apologized for not having labelled it and asked if I could borrow a sharpie to do it now. Bidding her a good day I walked to the car berating myself for letting my hateful disposition guide my actions.

Even coffee failed me. Several incidents left me feeling either angry or misunderstood. Anger rose so easily. I felt small and invisible. Underappreciated and oh so irritated with all of it.

Some days if I’ve had enough sleep, and feel good in my clothes, and am indifferent about how much I weigh, and know Deaglan is healthy and safe and Shaune is having a good day at work and the sun is shining but it’s not too hot - on these days I can shake off a negligent comment or refrain from wanting to cry because my efforts were overlooked.

But not today. Today I could not change my mind. Today I was not grateful. I could not see the silver lining or be convinced that the glass was half full. Today, I did not want to get along. I did not want to avoid gossip. I did not feel generous or charitable. Today I could not convince myself that she deserved my sympathy. I could not imagine her as an innocent young child. Today I am glad that I found enough professionalism to keep quiet. Because today was not a good day.

The spiritual realm

Once in a while I like to catch a news/talk show that airs on CBC called The Hour. It’s hosted by an ex-Much Music (Canada’s equivalent to MTV) VJ who is probably older than he appears. It’s hard to tell though, he looks like he should be fronting Green Day or attempting a kickflip with his skateboard. You know?

When I first started watching the show, Shaune would politely sit through it, but after a few episodes he would either insist we find something we could both watch or he would simply do something else. I’m not sure why he found it so irritating but I suspect it might have had something to do with the host. I like it however, because the guests are unexpected and sought out for unique reasons. The topics covered are wide and varied from human rights to celebrity updates. You might tune in one day to find former Mexican President Vincente Fox discussing the FIFA cup and then the next episode might feature Kenneth Cole and his efforts to find a cure for AIDS.

Anyway, I caught it a few times this past week when Shaune was working late and Eckhart Tolle was the guest on one episode. I forgot how much I loved reading his last book A New Earth. I read it three times! I really connected with it and I remember talking about it to anyone who would listen. I tend to get a bit excited about a good book and sometimes my audience isn’t quite as engaged as I am convinced they are at the time. It takes me a few days to realize that their silence might not have been rapt attention but probably a preoccupation with creating a mental to-do list or planning their dinner for that evening.

Regardless, I still think about some of the ideals of the book every day. Like this one: Most people treat the present moment as if it were an obstacle that they need to overcome. Since the present moment is Life itself, it is an insane way to live. Or this one which I find so powerful: Those who have not found their true wealth, which is the radiant joy of Being and the deep, unshakable peace that comes with it, are beggars, even if they have great material wealth. They are looking outside for scraps of pleasure or fulfillment, for validation, security, or love, while they have a treasure within that not only includes all those things but is infinitely greater than anything the world can offer.

I'm not saying I live by these ideals all the time. I'm stuck in the ways of this world just as much as the next guy. But there's something freeing about knowing life could be different. You know?

My wisdom so far

I used to think that to “forgive and forget” was the only way to truly move past something terrible that happened to me.

I now realize that often those two concepts don’t make sense in a lot of situations. To forgive means to give up all claim on account of. But there are things that happen to us, hurtful things people say, painful wounds people inflict that we cannot give up all claim of. To forgive and forget for some of these assaults seems like fantasy-making to me. The trying of it has left me conflicted and anxious.

Reconciliation however is a concept I can live with. I won’t forget what happened but will reconcile to use the experience to consciously build a better relationship. I will learn to understand that because of what happened I have the opportunity to make healthier and wiser decisions in the future.

I used to think I needed to provide proof or evidence of why I felt something. In my mind I would think that feeling something others might perceive as weak or womanly or negative was unacceptable so I would build a case in my defense so that I could justify this “insubstantial” stream of feelings or thoughts. As if just little ole me feeling it or thinking it wasn’t reason enough that it should be heard.

But now I know that the fact that I feel it, desire it, fear it, love it or just plain old dreamt it up is legitimacy enough.

I used to think that a nice person doesn’t speak up when her needs aren’t being met, a nice person doesn’t disagree with family members, a good person goes along to get along. But now I realize that all of that is a bunch of BS and really a form of self torture.

I know now that I am responsible for my own happiness and that means speaking up the truth when something doesn’t feel right or good to me. It means doing what’s best for my soul and my true self even if it causes discomfort. It means speaking the truth, my truth when I feel compelled.

Let me count the ways

Inspired by a post on Her bad mother where mamas from all over the world share five things they love about being a parent, I tried to narrow down my list.

It was tough. But I came up with some of my current faves.

A few days ago I asked Deaglan for a hug and a kiss. He looked up from what he was doing, came running over, threw his arms around my neck and put his drool-drenched lips to mine. I would have a hard time trading that moment for a million bucks. (please note - this is a rare occurence, I usually have to beg, plead and then force affection out of him these days)

I had Deaglan when I was 36 - a bit late by most standards. For all those years my only priority was me. But when he was born, he bumped me out of first place. He took over my life, my consciousness, my heart and my soul. I don't miss being number one.

My friend Kirsten over at the Norwindians did a beautiful post a few days ago to celebrate her son's fourth birthday. She said something that I loved and completely related to: "I never imagined playing race cars could be so much fun." Like Kirsten, the enthusiasm with which I have learned about all things 'boy' has both surprised and delighted me.

And I would be remiss if I didn't mention the goodness parenting has brought to the relationship between Shaune and I. More complicated yes. More issues to argue about of course. But this new connection is organic, binding, and thoroughly fulfilling.

However, for me the biggest and best part of motherhood so far has been the emergence of my better self.

So without further ado and this big lump in my throat, please share with me the top five things you love about being a mom/parent.

Why suffer in silence?

Every time I've spilled my guts out to you, friends, I've spent the next day in a state of angst. Did I reveal too much? Did I really need to go that far?

But then I recall some of the blogs that I adore and remember that it is the human-ness that appeals to me. I love the serious and the raw, the humility, the humour, the nonsense and the revealing.

I put myself in your place and ask if I feel judgmental after I've read something deeply personal that you've written. Never. I feel connected to you when you honour me with something classified.

I told someone recently that sometimes I suffer in silence. This has been especially true with motherhood.

On the one hand I want to have the most current information available so I read everything I can. But I'm realizing, as you practiced parents already know, much of parenting is learned through doing. And each phase comes with a set of challenges (exhibit A to the left - he's now able to climb onto the kitchen table) as well as overwhelming marvels.

I've been wrestling with the breastfeeding dilemma on my own, listening to the limited advice my own mind had to offer. Your comments were refreshing to my cyclical thinking. I loved reading about your experiences. Each comment has been a small gift that has filled me with light.

Taking a stand

What other people think or believe is none of my business. It took me a long time to realize that just because a person's opinion on a hot topic differs than mine doesn't mean that I need to cut them out of my life. Usually though, the people in our lives share our sensibilities toward most things.

Something has been bugging me for the last few days. I've received two disturbing emails from someone fairly close to me. I was a part of a group send. I feel that the emails are racist in nature. I replied to the sender and told them that I wasn't interested in receiving these types of emails.

The thing that is bothering me is that a few years ago I would have had a stronger reaction. I might have written a strongly worded email or called this person to let them know exactly how much I opposed the messages or even just stopped speaking to them. I know that those types of reactions are pointless and even futile. But did I react enough? I don't feel at peace with something but I don't know what.

Love letter

Deaglan,

I wanted to write you a letter today to tell you some things that are on my mind. You were born sixteen months ago today and even though that's not a long time by most standards, I suddenly felt a sense of time slipping away from me. I can't remember when you weren't here.

When I was younger I used to dream about success. I thought that if I just found the right job - my dream job - I would be happy, someone to admire, liked, satisfied, purposeful, and contented. Happiness had been defined to me as what a person does for a living when they grow up. In fact happiness and success were interchangable in this delineation.

But Deaglan when you came into my life, purpose took on a new meaning. The landscape of my mind changed. You are the lense through which I see other children, other people, relationships, every situation, world issues. I really understand now why we have to clean up this earth, stop hating each other, work hard to love, do the right things, stop war and violence, feed the hungry, share our resources and practice kindness.

Happiness is so easy now.

Happiness guru

Do you remember ever feeling this kind of happiness? We become so judgement oriented as grown-ups. Certain conditions need to be met; the right people must be there, we must look a certain way, weigh a certain amount, have an X amount of dollars in our bank accounts, and have our dream jobs.

This was Deaglan today when my wonderful friend Erin dropped by with some belated Christmas gifts. I know that he loved the toys she brought him but this look of pure ecstasy - I think that this was all about just lovin life.

38 Things

About me.

1. I love motherhood.
2. I spent $101.00 on my wedding dress.
3. I am deathly afraid of an insect (and it's not spiders).
4. My biological sister and I were adopted into the same family when we were 8 and 7 respectively.
5. I don't have much of a desire to travel.
6. I do want to someday take my husband and son to India.
7. I've been to Graceland.
8. I've been watching Law and Order since 1990.
9. I only wear eyeliner and mascara.
10. I loved living in Tucson Arizona when I was 12, 13 and 14.
11. I don't like when people make any sort of intolerant remarks (about race, sexual orientation, country of origin, physical appearance etc.)
12. My best friend is Shaune.
13. I have loved a dog with all my heart.
14. I try everyday to be peaceful, kind and loving.
15. I don't always succeed at #14.
16. I am reading a Course in Miracles right now.
17. I don't mind my job.
18. I would like to be able to write for a living.
19. I try to remember to be grateful most days.
20. I live within my means.
21. I liked college better than university.
22. I haven't slept more than six hours straight in more than two years.
23. My middle name is Rohima which was my first name until I was seven.
24. I wish I still remembered how to speak Bengali.
25. I have four brothers and two sisters in North America and I have two sisters somewhere in Asia.
26. I would never survive on Survivor.
27. I like my life.
28. I think I am a good friend.
29. I believe that forgiveness brings healing.
30. I love bargains!
31. I love red wine.
32. My favourite body parts (of me) are my feet and my nose.
33. I strive to listen more and talk less when in a conversation.
34. I really enjoy humour.
35. I like my thirties.
36. My favourite time of year is spring.
37. I wish we could all get along.
38. I will be 38 in a few weeks.

Updates
39. I feel like my greatest accomplishments so far are the birth of my two sons.
40. I wished I'd told Matthew that I loved him more often.

I would love to know some things about you. Feel free to use your age as the number of things. If I've tagged you please comply only if you feel like it!

Kelly
CDB
Kate
Kel
Heather
Crystal
Marc
Chuck

Sabina

I don't want to come off as a solicitor on my own blog. Well maybe a little bit. This is Sabina Mosammat our sponsored child. She's almost nine and lives in Dhaka Bangladesh. That's where my sister Tara and I were in the orphanage before we were adopted by Joe and Randi. Anyway I wanted to mention how easy it is to sponsor a kid. Easier than volunteering somewhere. Easier than going through your closets and finding stuff you want to give away to the local women's shelter. Definitely easier than changing Deaglan's diapers everyday. We went to the World Vision website: http://www.worldvision.ca/Pages/Home.aspx and clicked through some pages and then we were officially helping someone. We haven't noticed it come off of our credit card except that now we are using that one again whereas before I always forgot to.

World Vision has been around forever and has a really good honest reputation. The money does get to the person you sponsor. The goal of the program is to make the family self-sufficient. I used to sponsor someone several years ago before Sabina and one day I received a letter saying that I no longer needed to sponsor the child I had been because her family became self-sufficient.

It's $35.00 a month. Nothing. You can't even buy a nice sweater at H&M or fill up your tank for that much. Once you sign on you kind of feel good that you did something. It makes those commercials with the hungry kids a lot easier to watch! That's the end of my solicitation.