Tuesday, 29 June 2010

Letting go and reluctantly letting God

At breakfast this morning, I promised Deaglan that if he ate his cinnamon toast he could have some Pez candy afterwards. In my defense, it was either send him to daycare on an empty stomach or a sugar high.

And yesterday when he refused to come out of the jungle gym at McDonald's playland, feeling completely defeated I coaxed him out by lying that I had seen Gramma and Grampa out in the parking lot. Sorry Bill and Fran but I tried everything else from threats to bribes. I probably should have let him play first and get the sundae afterwards.

I find letting go to be the most difficult part of parenting. Letting go of ideals - the kind of parent you swore you'd be before you actually had kids; letting go of judgements - the I can't believe they let their kids do that kind of thinking and the hardest letting go - letting go of your kids when they are ready to break away from you bit by bit.

If you've read even two posts from this blog, you know that until recently, Deaglan was the centre of my universe. And with the addition of his brother in our lives, the relationship between my first boy and I has shifted in a way that has sometimes left me heartbroken.

I know as a fairly well-read person that all the changes are normal given the new family dynamic as well as his stage in development. Like how he lets me know that he doesn't want to see me at the end of his visits with his grandparents every Saturday or that he seems just as content having Shaune read to him before bed when that used to be 'our' thing. I'm trying to take all of these changes in stride, trying to keep my ego out of it.

I've been telling myself that even though some of these changes feel really really uncomfortable, I accept them. That there is a larger story unfolding here. The story of our lives. The story of my life, and of their lives.

Oh and while I'm making a very good case for why I will definitely NOT get mother-of-the-year award, you should also know that last week when he bolted away from me at the park - me with a three week old in the stroller and still aching from the c-section - and I finally caught up with him, I instilled a fear of "the bad man" in him that makes me cringe with shame everytime I think back on it.


  1. maybe reading about dogs and packs and alpha male (female or parent) would help you with Deagan's new attitude of independence - He acts like he thinks he is alpha and the parent really needs to stay in that position in every one's mind. Don't have to beat a dog nor a child with a stick to be boss - sound to me like he is well aware of your distraction and is taking advantage of you.

  2. I keep saying it but it will get easier. We are not perfect parents and every day we can improve. Sometimes I am disappointed by the way I handle things. I find that motherhood has given my the opportunity to demonstrate my mothering skills at their very best and at their very worst. On those worst days I just think tomorrow is another day and my child will learn that I am not perfect nor do I pretend to be.

    And I am so much more understanding of other parents these days than I ever was. 2 1/2 is a really tough stage, in my opinion. They don't have impulse control and there not much to do about that.

    Take care and sending hugs your way.

  3. You know all the parents of more than one child are nodding their heads and laughing, right?

  4. I remember bringing home my second son from the hospital after he was born. My first son stood in the corner and wouldn't look at me for the longest time. I tried to prepare him for the hopefully happy change of having a sibling, but when the reality hit him that mommy couldn't be 100% for him all the time, it was tough for him to process. To be honest, all my big kids now still have those moments of pouting to some extent when mama is busy with another child or an activity. Mothering is exhausting on every level. I often will tell myself that I need to see the whole picture and not let incidents or attitudes or situations make me feel like I'm screwing up as a mother at any given moment. We're all doing our best. Hugs and love.

  5. It is a whole new world for everyone with the second child. It takes time to get a routine and settle in. You are doing an amazing job and things with fall into place soon. xoxo

  6. Kim, you are doing an amazing job. Please don't be hard on yourself. You'd probably cringe at some of the things I've 'let go'. Some days it's just about survival and being a content Mom of a sugared-up kid, rather than an exhausted resentful Mom of kids who've eaten all their vegetables. It's okay. I promise you that both Deaglan and Naveen will turn out wonderfully. (And you'll be fine, too. ;)

  7. I agree!--just popped in to say the newest little guy is BEAUTIFUL! It's hard, I'm there with you now w/ two under 3 (oops, oldest turned 3 two weeks ago.)
    Hang in there!


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