Friday, 22 October 2010

Just because I still need to write about it

Yesterday I felt this sense of impending doom. I felt sad and unaccomplished and it wouldn't have taken much to make me cry. I dismissed it as severe lack of sleep and carried on throughout my day.

Later in the afternoon in a rare few moments to myself, I saw a chunk of an interview with Michael Jackson's former wife and she was speaking to his death and whether she felt there was anything she could have done to change what happened.

I was riveted, not so much because I was so interested in what she thought but because I realized it was five months to the day that my brother had died. And on this show I was watching, the people were discussing things like addiction, abuse and other contributing factors to the King of Pop's death.

Sometimes it just sneaks up on me like that - the comprehension that he's really not here anymore, that no matter how hard I look for him while I'm driving even if I see a gold Ford Focus exactly like the one he drove, I will not find him.

And later in the evening, when Shaune and I were unwinding from our days, I was grateful that he asked me why I looked so sad. I told him about the interview and the day today marked. It was all that was necessary to release my tears. We spoke, as we always did when Matt's death came up, about the senselessness of it.

I wished I could have made him see that things always got better. That I felt lonely and directionless in my twenties but life changed. And that it didn't take much to alter things. A decision. A small step. A change of habit. But then I realized that this was my formula - it might not have worked for him.

I know that a day will come when I will accept that there was nothing I could have done to change the outcome. And it's not that I am twisting in the wind, blaming myself for his death. I just feel cheated.

I was so looking forward to the rest of his story.

Deaglan was sitting beside me while I wrote this post. He saw this picture of himself and said Mommy that's me and I look so sad. What was happening to my truck to make me so sad??? He said it with such sympathy and perspective I almost exchanged the picture for one of him looking happy.


  1. Such thougths are tough and weigh heavily on the spirit. We are having some of them now, too. I wonder why they have to creep in on us like that and overtake our thinking and even our day. I think one reason is to remind us of the blessings we still have. Another is what the Bible calls "the sense of eternity." When I have such thoughts I think of the life beyond this one when we will all be reunited. That is really what we live for. Hope a sense of calm overcomes, now. We are looking for that, too! Good post.

  2. I am glad you have someone you can talk to about this and also glad you have an outlet such as this to write about your feelings. I don't have the words to express my sadness that you had to experience something such as. All I know is we are only given that which we are able to handle. You must be an amazing person to be able to handle something of this magnitude.

    In the mean time, know we're sending lots of positive thoughts your way.

  3. I really think that writing and talking will help too. I'm so glad you have your husband to lean on. I think loss is so hard. Especially unexpected loss. We are always left with what ifs and I should have but it is true you still don't know if that would change the outcome either. I love the picture Deaglan and he is such a thoughtful boy.

  4. Talking and writing can only help a bit through this grief process. You're an exceptionally sensitive and strong woman who lives her heart. Love knowing you :)

  5. I can only imagine the pain you must feel over the untimely loss of your dear brother, and am glad you are surrounded by the support of your loving husband as you try to work through this. Be kind to yourself hon, you can only take it one day at a time, and I am sure writing is a healthy aid trying to make sense out of an unbearable situation. I know it may sound a platitude, but time really does help cover over the screaming rawness, one day the pain will be less - always there, of course, but dulled. ((Hugs))

  6. It is amazing how our emotions work. Sadness can swoop in and take over our thought. I pray you one day forgive is a process...
    Being a big sister is not easy. I am the oldest in my family. I want to save them from themselves, but I am still learning, they are themselves and I am me. peace


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