Thursday, 23 December 2010

You were born on Christmas Eve

Dear Deaglan,

you're three tomorrow. You are the Child this blog was created for. My first baby. I've said so much here, sometimes to you, most of the time about you and always because of you. I imagine you reading this when you're grown, when you are older, maybe when you have your own family. You and your brother are who I write for most of the time. My silent readers. 

A famous person said that when his first child was born it was as if life came into focus, like he didn't even know he'd been walking around with an impairment. This is how it happened for me too. When you came to me, I began my journey to my better self.

Last night when we were reading together you told me that someday you would be big and I would be little. I told you that yes, it's true, you would be big one day, you would marry and live somewhere else with your wife. When you looked perplexed, I explained for simplicity's sake that when people grow big, they become mommies and daddies. You told me that you didn't want to be big and that you just wanted to stay at home with your Mommy and your Daddy and your Naveen. My heart swelled because it's how I wanted it too. 

I know that you will leave me one day...I've already begun to fall behind, watching your back as you run on ahead. Trying to grab at your shirttail...

I'm not the best mom, not an excellent mom, maybe not even a great mom. Too often I go to bed knowing I could have done a lot better. I think to myself, I should have said yes more when you asked me to play, I should have played longer those times I did and I should have taken you outside when I didn't. Because for some reason, when I don't get you outside I feel like I failed you a little that day.

I want so much for you. Mostly I want to teach you to be a good and kind man. I want people to see you the way I do.

This job is hard sometimes. Because often I just want to indulge you. I want to give you everything you ask for. I want to laugh at your antics instead of disciplining you. I want to baby you, overlook things so that you never have to get mad at me. Being in your favour, in the sunshine of your love feels so good that it makes my job as your mother, tricky. And honestly, watching you cry, has made me sad enough to want to weep myself. 

I didn't know life could be so good and frightening at the same time. Good because of the joy children bring to it. Frightening because none of it is under our control.

It's been a gift to have you home with me this year. I'm enjoying getting to know you as someone's brother, as my oldest child, as a jokester. I'm thrilled and delighted with your growing sense of humour.

Thank you for teaching me to have fun again. I forgot about pretending, and creating, and the enchantment of building forts. I'm grateful too for learning about trucks,trains,cars and motorcycles. You constantly get me out of my comfort zone.

I try everyday to listen to what you are saying. I know I'm not always right just because I'm the mother. I strive to encourage you to express your feelings, even the negative ones. I try to teach you that it's okay to cry, feel angry, or grumpy. I try to model good behaviour but know that I fall short all the time.

I want you to know that everyday can be fresh and new. You can wake up and start again, leave yesterday far behind.

I would love to teach you that having a clean house always makes you feel better. That to give to someone who needs it is one of the most important things in life. That you lucked out by being born into abundance. That there's no room for intolerance and that your brother is your best friend.

I hope you always want to include me in your life. And happy, happy birthday my sweet first baby.

Love Mom.

Check out some of the other entries over at the Red Dress Club using the prompt Charity - how do you teach your children about how much they have compared to children in other less fortunate parts of the world.


  1. As the mother of 2 boys who are 2 years and 4 months apart I can tell you that everything you wrote is true..but sometimes it takes well into their teens for them to realize that they are each others best friend and when they come to the realization it's heart's just happened this year with mine (at 18 and 15).

  2. Advanced birthday wishes baby boy.... i love his tee--- and put my brother on the naughty list... that is nice...

    Kim, this is such a beautiful letter... i cannot even bring myself close to what you must have been feeling while writing this but you have captured the essence for me. Motherhood is probably the best thing that happens in this world. Merry Christmas. :-)

  3. Such a beautiful letter. You and your boy are so lucky to have eachother :)

  4. I think you are a great mom. And the fact that you think of ways you can improve is proof that you are a great mom.

    Happy birthday to the little man who will someday be big but for the time being wants to stay small and be home with his family. I think this is wonderful.

    How wonderful you can enjoy this time with him.

  5. I love this letter. As a mom of 2 boys close in age to yours, I'm nodding in agreement here with every word.

    Happy birthday to your little man and I hope you have a wonderful holiay :)

  6. A beautiful letter. I think the same things about my three little girls. Hope you have a wonderful holiday.

  7. What a beautiful little boy! A very happy birthday indeed.

  8. Happy Birthday to your little guy! What a special and crazy Christmas that must have been when he arrived :)

  9. If I were a boy, grown to be a man, and had this written for me, I could never be the kind of man that didn’t make my mom proud. Your kids have a great mom. Merry Christmas to you and yours. God Bless.

  10. Kim, you're such a wonderful mom!! I hope that Deaglan had a terrific birthday! This beautiful post will always live within his heart. You share your emotions so beautifully in your writing. Merry Christmas!!

  11. Thank you for your comment on my blog. I love comments and it was very nice of you. :)

  12. Thank you for your comment on my blog. I love comments and it was very nice of you. :)

  13. Beautiful letter!! Happy Birthday to your sweet boy. I hope you all had a happy Christmas/birthday. What a great momma you are.

  14. Love this :) So much like what I would say to my oldest, too.

  15. Aw, happy birthday to your little man! And what a beautiful letter to him!

    I have those talks with myself all the time, about trying to be a better mom. You are not alone in that!

  16. Your son is one day older than mine! He was born Christmas Day 2007 (I also posted about it!) I can't believe how fast the last three years have gone and now that we have our second son it's amazing to think about how close they will be.

  17. Happy, Happy 3 to your boy!!! My brother Archie was born on Christmas Eve as well. He is a special guy, just like your Deaglan. Children come into our lives to make them better. I believe that with all my heart. ;)


Thanks for your comment!