Saturday, 17 September 2011

An apology to my body

In grade 12 my friend Lesley and I tried to go without food for two weeks. We wanted to shed a few pounds. A few years later in first year university, I limited myself to two small bowls of clear broth a day and plenty of exercise. We were all trying to look like Kate Moss back then.

And I didn’t even have an eating disorder.

This was typical stuff most of us young women were doing. Waifishness, protruding hip bones and concave tummies were all the rage. We sighed enviously at anyone who could go long periods without nourishment. Most of us hated our bodies and were quick to point out our problem areas without provocation.

I’ve smartened up, made friends with myself. I’ve realized finally that I am not this body, cannot be defined by my soft convex stomach. My tired and disobedient breasts don’t have the power to change the world.

I am not this body but this body is all I have.

These days, I speak soothingly to my flabby arms; thank them for holding my babies even when they are exhausted. I send admiring thoughts to my uterus for the miracle work it performed. I am in awe of this imperfect, disproportionate frame that holds me, like a sweet loyal dog, never failing me even when I sullied it with my thoughts, relegated it to the back of the line, poked fun of it in public.

I am ashamed of how I’ve repaid it for its devotion; cringing every time I passed a mirror, heartsick if it gained even one pound, denying it when all it wanted was one measly hot fudge sundae.

I am not this body but I was put in charge of it. And I am on a mission to take that responsibility seriously.

I'm pictured here wearing the necklace Deaglan toiled over for several days at daycare. For a few days I wore it to and from the daycare and without fail every single time he asked me if I LOVED my new necklace.


  1. First off, how cute is that necklace?

    Secondly, I've never subsisted on broth but I have exercised until I've ruined my knees. I really regret that now! And I appreciate how much my body has hung in there despite my mistreatment.

    I've said it before and I'll say it again - you are a knockout my friend!

  2. I think every female has experienced all of the things you write about to some degree or other. I love that you're brave enough to say all of the things that most of us pretend not to feel. I learn so much about forgiving myself and allowing myself to feel those emotions by reading your words.

  3. What a sweet necklace! I love that he made that for you.

    I never starved myself trying to get the perfect body, but I didn't always feed it the way I should. I'm working on that now.

    I'm glad you are embracing who you are and taking care of the body you do have. You are beautiful just the way you are.

  4. Oh, Kim, you are beautiful inside and out!!! I think we all did stupid things to our bodies when we were younger for the sake of "beauty". Luckily we're smarter now :)

  5. terrific post! The hindsight that comes with maturity is always so revealing. I wish I could go back and tell my younger self to love my body. Better late than never though.

    p.s. the necklace is lovely and you wear it with such pride :-)

  6. I love the necklace too! I've just come to accept that I will never have a perfect body. I'm 33. I figure this imperfect body has given birth to two pretty darn perfect boys and that alone is pretty awesome! All I can do is love it by being healthy and keeping strong...and passing that message onto my sons.

  7. It's hard to appreciate the changes that age (and particularly childbearing) brings.

  8. It's amazing, the enlightenment that comes with age! I was actually the opposite in college where I ate everything in sight and it wasn't until later that I realized all of the damage that I was doing to my body by being overweight and living off french fries.

  9. You are so beautiful, in and out!!!! But it's so easy for me to tell others that. I struggle with those issues myself.

    I love that necklace sooooo much!

  10. You Kim, are GORGEOUS!!

    I admire the mission you are on-you inspire me to do the same, my friend.

    I love your necklace too!!



  11. Tell Deaglan that he is a great jewelry designer! So cute :) And you write with a heart that is so generous and real. You're the best, do you know that? I have to get that ticket to Canada someday...

  12. Love the necklace! :) It is hard to focus on the bod when all you want to do is cuddle up with your kids...

  13. First of all, I love your jewelry!!
    Secondly, although I think you are stunningly beautiful, you have to feel good about YOURSELF. And, if you want to change anything about you, go for it!! I know how it feels to look differently then what you feel like on the inside. Good luck Hon. You will do whatever you set your mind to. :)

  14. The necklace is amazing and so are you!


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