Wednesday, 23 May 2012

On what I've been doing lately

I’ve been listening to this song. It’s haunting and beautiful and draws me in, like a familiar smell or taste from long ago; one I can’t quite place. Old feelings come to mind, from another decade when I spent most of my time pining for relationships that weren’t right. And though I’m glad I no longer go through that kind of pain, this guy has articulated it so dead on that I can’t help but search for it every morning on my way to work. I’d pop a burned version into our CD player except that Raffi’s been stuck in there for ages and we’ve never gotten around to getting it fixed.

I've been reading this book again. It's a keeper. I've had it for close to ten years and bring it out when stress and anxiety threaten to take over. It reminds me to breathe. And that my thoughts are just thoughts, not an agenda. I recommend it.

Naveen’s birthday is coming and I wonder if I will always think of Matthew at the same time. The feeling that I could have done something to change it is no longer with me. I can see that it wasn’t ever up to me but I still ache any time the realization that he’s gone hits me. I still can't accept that his time was up. I treasure the  toys he bought for Deaglan and I’m sad the little outfits will no longer fit either of my boys. 

But I have this in our kitchen. It was his. I told Shaune he could display his cookbooks on it. I think Matt would have liked that. I know he loved Shaune's cooking. 

And can I talk about Naveen for just a minute? How delightful and naughty he is? If you inhaled him you'd get a hint of dirt, but mostly cookies and sun screen. I can rarely have him close without scooping him up and nibbling on those cheeks and that neck. How could he be turning two already? How is it possible that I am almost out of babies??

But there’s also this four year-old who regularly steals my heart. A shiny-faced boy with just the right dimple - a boy who says the best things all the time. Like in the check-out at Costco a few weeks ago, when he pointed to the 20-something, six-foot tall, leggy, gorgeous African-American cashier, and happily exclaimed (I'm certain much to her dismay) that she looked just like me. And yet it was equally lovely last night when he looked fondly at my face and told me I looked just like his best buddy Adam. 

And finally, (with fingers and toes crossed)I think these germ-infested, work-from-home because the kids have contracted yet another locally exotic illness days are coming to a close. Oh please let them be coming to a close because I don’t think I can take any more. 

That's it for now. I hope you are all well and I'll be taking some time soon to see what you've been up to.

You see what I'm saying about delightful but naughty?


  1. I'm going to keep an eye out for that book - I've never read it.

    They'll always be your babies. ;-)

    I love that bookshelf!

  2. I've missed you - it's been a while but with sick kids I totally understand. Here's hoping those illnesses have taken a vacation for the summer or longer.

    I do like the book case in the kitchen. Deaglan sounds like such a great 4 year old and little Naveen - you described that look perfectly. But he still has those chubby cheeks so I'd say he is still baby-ish for a bit longer.

  3. Love the bookshelf, love the new pics of the family...gorgeous, as always! I can't believe how grown up the boys are looking! Glad to hear all is well and I've missed your blogs! xo

  4. The bookshelf looks great. They will always be your babies no matter how old they get.

  5. Your boys are pure beauty!!! Your descriptions of their "goings on" are wonderful. I can just imagine the hint of dirt but mostly cookies and sunscreen!

    What lovely photos... OH, and I'm loving this song and video right now!! Music is a part of me and sometimes if I'm loving a song, I sing it without knowing. Lately, I've been doing this with this one.

    I hope the illness are on their way out as well!

  6. "I'm almost out of babies" too. It's sad but happy all at the same time. So sorry about your brother. It's not fair (hugs)
    Such beautiful pictures of your boys.

  7. I'm so happy to see a post from you. That song! My husband plays it all weekend for and now my daughter knows it by heart. I find it haunting
    I love seeing pics of the boys, they are getting so big!
    That Matthew's memory is now an ache instead of a knife to the heart means you're healing.

  8. I look fondly at your beautiful face Kim, and smile because I am so glad you are my friend. Always:)

    Keep up these wonderfully sweet posts-I eat them up like too much chocolate:)

  9. Your boys are definitely delightful! I love all your pictures. I want to check out that book too. Thanks for the recommendation. Sending hugs to you as you miss your wonderful brother Matthew. He must be so proud of you...

  10. I listen to that song so much that when I clicked on the link my boys immediately yelled, "No!"

    I like that you've found a use for your brother's bookshelf that he would have liked.


Thanks for your comment!