October and me

The problem with not posting in over a month is that it’s hard to know where to begin.

Should I tell you first about the insomnia or the change of heart I've had about cooking? An update on the kids or gushing about Anne Lamott’s new book?  You see the problem? I’d usually write a separate post on each one of these things.  

Maybe I’ll back it up to September.

That’s when life sped up and forced me to prioritize. Shaune started his brand new permanent job. Deaglan became a first grader and Naveen went back to the preschooler room after a summer with Daddy. I felt the overwhelming urge to hold things together, hold all of their hands through it.  

Sadly, writing was triaged right out. Even sadder, I began waking up every night at precisely 1:30 am and lying awake until the morning.

I knew Shaune needed the freedom to embrace the new job so I released him of home work when I could. After all, he’d given me a luxuriously easy summer.

So, I took over all the cooking, dealt with the kids myself every evening; fed them, cleaned up, read to them, worked with Deaglan to improve his reading, bathed them and tucked them safely into their beds. While I did this, Shaune worked hard to create a foundation for this program he'd likely teach till the day he retired.

At the exact same time, work got good and busy. And then Deaglan's hockey started. I broke a toe which meant I had to get creative with my workouts – workouts that had become crucial to my sanity. Shaune’s partner teacher went on sick leave which meant he had to bring the rotating door of substitute teachers (usually starting teachers with absolutely no experience in commercial kitchens) up to speed almost every day.

The insomnia worsened and hot flashes and night sweats joined the party. And at least once a day I couldn't remember something important, it was on the tip of my tongue, near the front of my mind but I just couldn't find the words or remember what it was I was thinking about.

But every day around 4pm I took a break and googled healthy dinner ideas.  I often stopped in at the Metro on my way home to grab the things I needed for that night’s meal.  I liked the control I suddenly felt over what we ate. Shaune loved the break and he raved about the meals I was making.  

And then one Saturday morning a few weeks ago, I was scrolling through the digital TV guide in search of a cartoon both kids could agree on when I caught a glimpse of Suzanne Somers on CityLine.  She was listing symptoms to something - I’d missed the beginning – and almost every single symptom she listed sounded acutely familiar. A few hours later I had her new book I’m too young for this in my possession.

As I work through her book, I've begun adding other authors' viewpoints on the topic. Turns out I'm not too young for this. It has become evident that I am in the throes of perimenopause.

So that's it friends. That's what October was all about for us. I've missed this place and don't plan to be away for so long again. Next time I'll post more pictures and go on and on about the kids. And when the time is right I'll give you the lo down of what I'm doing to get myself on track with sleeping and all of that.

The boys got their hair cut and I tried to capture the before and after. These are grainy photos from my phone.

 



 I think I agree with my father-in-law that Naveen is meant to have long hair.

 

Making peace with hard

This morning I ran nine kilometers.

It felt like early May. The sky shone clear, blue and showed off with the most liberating  breeze. The sun was gentle and warm; not it's oppressive self, like last week. Even by the midway point, I was thankful I hadn't opted for a running jacket, although I know if I’d been walking I would have wished for one.

It was one of those runs.

I noticed a hundred different shades of green, emeralds and jades, olives and khakis. Lush and healthy from all the rain. And even though I’d woken up feeling tired and failing, I ran my course and remembered that my grass was just as green. The trees seemed to cheer me on, their branches dancing in that gentle wind. It was hard to believe we were deep into July.

It was a hard run.

I took last week off from the gym; I embraced my vacation that way. And the week before that I’d been able only to find enough time to scramble to the cycling classes over my lunch hour. My lungs did not like this sudden wakening, the kind only running seems to induce. But I’ve made peace with this kind of hard in the past and I refused to let it stop me today. Sometimes, like this past week at work, I remind myself that hard is like good strong coffee on a cold dark morning. Necessary.

I let Shaune do all the parenting this week.

And along the way, I collected guilt and a dwindling self-esteem. Each time one of the kids asked me to play or take them to the park, I laid paralyzed on the couch and explained that sometimes Mommies don’t have what it takes to do it all. I leaned on Shaune. I’ve never been happier to have him at home with the kids. A temporary kind of leaning made sweeter by the fact that he's been hired as a fulltime high school teacher, set to start in September.

I explained things to Deaglan. How sometimes work takes all of your energy when you get older. I explained it to him because I knew Naveen wouldn’t understand yet. I tried to buy myself some understanding.

After my run, I ate leftover steak and a handful of strawberries.

I told the kids to get their helmets on and we rode to the park. We played soccer and then they rode circles all over the park’s paths and driveways. I sat on a bench, warmed by that mild sun and watched them make tracks with their wheels from riding through the patches of leftover puddles.

I talked myself into believing that they’d remember only this.

 

The graduate and his pizza recipe

I know I’ve told you that Shaune went back to school this year. I’ve likely expressed aptly that his passion lays in all things culinary. He studied at Humber College in his early twenties and then was lucky enough to work alongside some talented chefs. He gets jazzed about making things like dough and fresh tomato sauce.
For no reason.
For fun I mean.
Listen, unless there are people coming over with the sole purpose of eating and by fluke I’ve promised them food, I don’t see the point in cooking. Making something just because?

Cuckoo!

Shaune has cooked in fancy and simple kitchens; he’s managed some of those, keeping within pre-set budgets while creating wonderful food. He served tables and tended bar. He managed some of those bars too, getting jiggy with their wine lists and tightening up their menus. He ran a steak and seafood house for a few years and really learned the ways of the industry from the top down. In all that time, I’ve watched him work harder than anyone I’ve ever met with a quiet diligence that never fails to impress me.

After Toronto he moved back to Sarnia and that’s when we met. We worked at the same restaurant – he was in the kitchen, I was behind the bar. We were friends for quite some time before taking the situation to the next level. He won my heart through my stomach. To this day, our idea of a lovely evening includes eating something delightful that he happily toiled over. So when he learned about a new program Ontario teacher’s colleges were offering to people in the trades he applied. The province recognized the need for teachers specializing in trades and technologies to support those kids not planning to go to university. Here’s a link to program’s site if you’re interested.

I can’t imagine anyone more suited to teaching his passion. I have no doubt he will inspire more than a few kids.

He finished his last day of school on Friday. His parents, the kids and I bought him a stand mixer. There was champagne and a singing card. It’s a big deal, when a grown man takes a leap like this. Shows his kids that change is always possible. And that night he sat quietly and told me there was a possibility he would miss school. And I understood.

He acted just the way I would if you'd bought me a new pair of nude peep-toed pumps.

Today I asked him to share one of his recipes on this site for all of my friends. He has made this pizza twice in the last week. It’s life changing.


The Dough

½ cup of warm water (100 – 110 F)
2 tsp active dry yeast
1 tsp sugar
4-4 ½ cups white bread flour
2 tsp extra virgin olive oil
1 ¼ warm water (same temp as above)

• Combine ingredients (1/2 cup of water, yeast, and sugar) and let stand until frothy (about 15 minutes)
• In a mixing bowl (or stand mixing bowl) add 4 cups bread flour and salt
• When yeast mixture is frothy, add to flour mixture, olive oil and 1¼ warm water
• Mix until combined (if dough is still really sticky, add the remaining flour a bit at a time up to 1/2 cup) and knead for 10 minutes until smooth and elastic. If using stand mixer, use dough hook attachment on low to medium, mix until smooth and elastic and the dough comes away from bowl easily
• Form into a ball and rub with olive oil. Place in a bowl covered with plastic wrap and store in a warm place until doubled in volume
• Punch down dough and cut into four equal parts, then form those into balls
• Roll out and place each on a baking sheet sprinkled with corn meal
• Top with sauce, cheese and favourite toppings (this week he made one topped with fried onions, garlic fried mushrooms and chicken)
• Place a pizza stone in oven and preheat to 415 F
• Bake pizza on baking sheet until it can be moved around using tongs
• Slide the pizza onto the stone to crisp up the bottom and brown the top
• Slide back onto the baking sheet, then remove from oven. Let sit for five minutes before slicing

That Deaglan couldn't get enough of this pizza, this alone made it a winner for me. We'll get those vegetables into him by any means possible.