My wisdom so far

I used to think that to “forgive and forget” was the only way to truly move past something terrible that happened to me.

I now realize that often those two concepts don’t make sense in a lot of situations. To forgive means to give up all claim on account of. But there are things that happen to us, hurtful things people say, painful wounds people inflict that we cannot give up all claim of. To forgive and forget for some of these assaults seems like fantasy-making to me. The trying of it has left me conflicted and anxious.

Reconciliation however is a concept I can live with. I won’t forget what happened but will reconcile to use the experience to consciously build a better relationship. I will learn to understand that because of what happened I have the opportunity to make healthier and wiser decisions in the future.

I used to think I needed to provide proof or evidence of why I felt something. In my mind I would think that feeling something others might perceive as weak or womanly or negative was unacceptable so I would build a case in my defense so that I could justify this “insubstantial” stream of feelings or thoughts. As if just little ole me feeling it or thinking it wasn’t reason enough that it should be heard.

But now I know that the fact that I feel it, desire it, fear it, love it or just plain old dreamt it up is legitimacy enough.

I used to think that a nice person doesn’t speak up when her needs aren’t being met, a nice person doesn’t disagree with family members, a good person goes along to get along. But now I realize that all of that is a bunch of BS and really a form of self torture.

I know now that I am responsible for my own happiness and that means speaking up the truth when something doesn’t feel right or good to me. It means doing what’s best for my soul and my true self even if it causes discomfort. It means speaking the truth, my truth when I feel compelled.

Let me count the ways

Inspired by a post on Her bad mother where mamas from all over the world share five things they love about being a parent, I tried to narrow down my list.

It was tough. But I came up with some of my current faves.

A few days ago I asked Deaglan for a hug and a kiss. He looked up from what he was doing, came running over, threw his arms around my neck and put his drool-drenched lips to mine. I would have a hard time trading that moment for a million bucks. (please note - this is a rare occurence, I usually have to beg, plead and then force affection out of him these days)

I had Deaglan when I was 36 - a bit late by most standards. For all those years my only priority was me. But when he was born, he bumped me out of first place. He took over my life, my consciousness, my heart and my soul. I don't miss being number one.

My friend Kirsten over at the Norwindians did a beautiful post a few days ago to celebrate her son's fourth birthday. She said something that I loved and completely related to: "I never imagined playing race cars could be so much fun." Like Kirsten, the enthusiasm with which I have learned about all things 'boy' has both surprised and delighted me.

And I would be remiss if I didn't mention the goodness parenting has brought to the relationship between Shaune and I. More complicated yes. More issues to argue about of course. But this new connection is organic, binding, and thoroughly fulfilling.

However, for me the biggest and best part of motherhood so far has been the emergence of my better self.

So without further ado and this big lump in my throat, please share with me the top five things you love about being a mom/parent.

Some cold hard truths

I have a lot of belly fat. It’s where I always gain my weight. I’d never had a flat stomach in my life, even when I was a little girl. But after gaining 60 pounds with Deaglan it’s not a very pretty sight. I’ve always been curvy, never worn a bikini proudly, always have a hard time finding a top and bottom set that would even fit my proportions. I’m an apple not a pear.

A few years ago a confused woman at work consistently had me mixed up with another brown girl. Only this other brown girl was a pear not an apple. So when the confused woman would see me at the gym, working out (we have a convenient workout centre right in the building where I work outfitted with the latest equipment and classes and costs ten bucks a month to use) she would grab me by the shoulder and say: You look so great – you’ve lost so much weight! I didn’t embarrass her but I knew that she meant my butt looked smaller. The brown girl she had me mixed up with has a large bottom, I have a bigger mid section but almost never gain weight in my rear. So this unfortunate visually challenged woman thought that my workouts were paying off because my butt looked smaller. This went on for some time and I won’t even go into the “all brown people look alike” discussion but I’m sure you were thinking the same.

A few years ago I used to really focus on my abdominals and let them stand in the way of how I saw myself. I’ve always hated my figure. Especially here in North America, it’s harder to feel physically acceptable when the idea of beautiful has been tall and thin for so long. Technically I’m the opposite of that. Short (just over 5’2” – for a while I was telling everybody that I was 5’3” but it’s just not true so I stopped) and on the verge of chubby (132lbs – boy the honesty is pouring out of me now!). I think I might have been a big hit during Marilyn Munroe’s day save the skin colour.

But something surprising came along with Motherhood. Acceptance. I still want to be a healthy weight and look good in clothes but I could care less if I have flat abs or can fit into a size four. The thought of working to fit into a bikini sounds exhausting. I have no problem wearing a ponytail for 12 days straight and unless I’m at work prefer flat shoes or runners to heels any day of the week.

I have to say motherhood aside, a part of this definitely has to do with feeling happy about my life and a part of this has to do with the fact I lucked out in the husband department. He almost always finds me attractive (even on those days I wish he wouldn’t – you exhausted moms know what I’m talking about here!).

Last summer, wearing any sort of a water-activity garment was out of the question but I really have to consider my options this year since we have one of those wading pools which will be so much fun for Deaglan if not for his mom.

I saw this bathing suit at a local department store and have seriously considered trying it on.

Happy Mother's Day!!!

“When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts. A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child.” – Sophia Loren

“The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new.” - Rajneesh

“You may have tangible wealth untold: Caskets of jewels and coffers of gold. Richer than I you can never be I had a Mother who read to me.”-Strickland Gillilan

"Before you were conceived I wanted you. Before you were born I loved you. Before you were here an hour I would die for you. This is the miracle of love.” -Maureen Hawkins

38 Things

About me.

1. I love motherhood.
2. I spent $101.00 on my wedding dress.
3. I am deathly afraid of an insect (and it's not spiders).
4. My biological sister and I were adopted into the same family when we were 8 and 7 respectively.
5. I don't have much of a desire to travel.
6. I do want to someday take my husband and son to India.
7. I've been to Graceland.
8. I've been watching Law and Order since 1990.
9. I only wear eyeliner and mascara.
10. I loved living in Tucson Arizona when I was 12, 13 and 14.
11. I don't like when people make any sort of intolerant remarks (about race, sexual orientation, country of origin, physical appearance etc.)
12. My best friend is Shaune.
13. I have loved a dog with all my heart.
14. I try everyday to be peaceful, kind and loving.
15. I don't always succeed at #14.
16. I am reading a Course in Miracles right now.
17. I don't mind my job.
18. I would like to be able to write for a living.
19. I try to remember to be grateful most days.
20. I live within my means.
21. I liked college better than university.
22. I haven't slept more than six hours straight in more than two years.
23. My middle name is Rohima which was my first name until I was seven.
24. I wish I still remembered how to speak Bengali.
25. I have four brothers and two sisters in North America and I have two sisters somewhere in Asia.
26. I would never survive on Survivor.
27. I like my life.
28. I think I am a good friend.
29. I believe that forgiveness brings healing.
30. I love bargains!
31. I love red wine.
32. My favourite body parts (of me) are my feet and my nose.
33. I strive to listen more and talk less when in a conversation.
34. I really enjoy humour.
35. I like my thirties.
36. My favourite time of year is spring.
37. I wish we could all get along.
38. I will be 38 in a few weeks.

Updates
39. I feel like my greatest accomplishments so far are the birth of my two sons.
40. I wished I'd told Matthew that I loved him more often.

I would love to know some things about you. Feel free to use your age as the number of things. If I've tagged you please comply only if you feel like it!

Kelly
CDB
Kate
Kel
Heather
Crystal
Marc
Chuck