Wednesday 27 April 2011

I wouldn't be a good stay-at-home mom

I don’t have what it takes to be a stay-at-home mom. Not a good one anyway. It took two maternity leaves and ten sleepless months to know this for sure. Thank God for the leave. A chance to bond with my kids, then hand them over to professionals lest they be stunted by over-exposure to Dora and chicken nuggets. I bow down to homeschooling mothers everywhere. Offer my compassionate condolences to my American friends who are forced to quit their jobs due to the stunning absence of a proper mat leave.

With Deaglan, my first, the thought of separation sickened me. At six months I began the countdown to the descent back to work. Desperate, I devised ways to stay home and still bring in an income. I offered to set up a hotdog stand on our lawn, grow our own food, stop shopping, and sew our clothes instead. But my husband’s thorough knowledge of my strengths and weaknesses didn’t sell him on any of these schemes.
 That first week I was forlorn. A part of me was missing. My breasts leaked through my business suit. I only caught fragments of what people said. I cried in a bathroom stall on the fourth floor. And my arms ached to hold my baby.

But into the second month, a new consciousness penetrated the one-way street of my thinking. I liked work. Needed work. Saw that I was a better mom with work. And felt gloriously liberated to be back in heels, relegating my comfy pants to weekends.
 And today, in the twilight of my final leave, two beautiful boys under my belt, my body badly in need of constructive undergarments, the dread of leaving both kids in somebody else’s care is balanced with the knowing that they’ll be okay. The daycare will ensure they get at least 90 minutes of outside play every day, teach my boys to cooperate, paint and dance. Trained educators will provide routine. A paid cook will prepare meals and snacks mandated by the Canada Food Guide.

And although I’ll ache from the separation, I’ll bear in mind the guilt I felt every time my three year old asked me if I was finished doing my “computer work” (blogging) so I could play. I’ll recall how often I looked out at the snow outside and felt too lazy to bundle them up to play outdoors. I’ll remember putting on the fourth episode of Thomas and Friends so I could catch up on emails. And I will realize that knowing I wouldn’t be a good stay-at-home mom, well knowing that makes me a pretty good mom.

I'm joining Shell today and pouring my heart out.

Please ignore my insane get-up in the first picture. Deaglan painted dollar store bird houses for his relatives this Easter. They were a big hit I think. Naveen was irritated the entire holiday weekend. Aversion to mythical bunnies who deliver chocolate? Nah, no son of mine could dislike chocolate. I was lucky to capture a good shot with Papa (my Dad). This was not the case with Grampa (Shaune's Dad) who happens to be wearing Shaune's new hat to match those of the boys'.

21 comments:

  1. I get it. I'm the same way. I stayed home for awhile and realized I was making myself crazy. I'm better as a working mom. And not scared to admit it ;)

    Stopping by from Shell's blog :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. What a beautiful post Kim. I am no close to being a mother but I have always seen myself as a working mother. It is more of my identity, and my person. I hope it turns out how I imagine it to be.

    And all the best for the new beginning.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Love this. In this blogging world, there are a lot of SAHM- which is great. But it can be just as great when the mom works. I love that you own that going back to work is best for you and the people around you!!!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Being a WAHM, I wholeheartedly agree with you that it is HARD. I have to constantly remind myself to set limits on work so the kids don't get all their parenting from Nick Jr and Sprout. It's a bad sign when my four year old climbs into my work chair with me to snuggle. I guess I need to do more of my work at night. Then I would feel less guilty!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I love this post Kim! This is what being a mom in this day and age is all about-the freedom to know what is best for our kids, and to not be afraid to make those decisions.

    I was a SAHM, but many times I longed for something to call my own away from being a mom. Unfortunately, we lived in a town about the size of a VW bug and there was nothing to do!

    You go girl!! i wish you all the best:)

    ReplyDelete
  6. Very thoughtful post. It's a wise mom who recognizes her strengths and thinks about what's best for her kids and not what 'everyone' says she should do. Good for you and great for your kids.

    (dropping by from PYHO)

    ReplyDelete
  7. I think everyone has to figure out what works for them.

    ReplyDelete
  8. It's good that you realize you wouldn't be a good SAHM. I think it's sad when moms who do SAH don't know that they are actually hurting their children by doing so.

    Enjoy getting back into your work routine. I'm glad your boys will be well taken care of. They are beautiful! :)

    ReplyDelete
  9. P.S. Visiting from PYHO. :)

    ReplyDelete
  10. Being a Working Mom is hard,but it works for my family. And that is what is important.

    It sounds like you have found what works for your family.

    And your boys are adorable!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Amen! I think it was the 4th month into my maternity leave when I realized I wouldn't make a good stay at home mom!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Even though I am not a mom yet, I feel like I get this. It is not for everyone. And there is something deeply nourishing about having an identity outside of home.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I love this post so much I could jump through the screen and kiss you! You have a way of making me seem less alone with my thoughts.

    ReplyDelete
  14. great post! i'm glad that you figured out that you enjoy being a working mom. moms come in all different forms!

    ReplyDelete
  15. I love this post...when I got pregnant I thought that I'd leave my job forever and stay at home to take care of my daughter. That lasted 2 weeks before I thought I would go insane!

    Going back to work saved me. I swear it did!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Hey Kim, Each of these photos tell such beautiful stories. You are such a loving Mom and these boys have so much love in their lives...Oh, and I'm with you, thank GOD for work!! haha

    ReplyDelete
  17. I would have liked a little more time at home than I got (6 months?) and I was glad to only have to work 30 hours so I could pick my kids up at the end of school every day. But I, too, am a better mother for working.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I love being with my kids. But I also know in a year or so, I'll get to work outside the home a couple days a week.

    With T Rex I went back full time after 4 months. It was so tough. I think for me, I need a balance between the two - part-time will be ideal for our home.

    And it helps that my mom, who was once a preschool director and the most qualified person I know aside from their father, to watch the kiddos. But, I, too, could not see myself as a full time stay home mom - just doesn't work for me - I need some time away to keep me sane.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Love how you pour honesty in all your posts. Your friends and readers appreciate how you share the genuine you here. Great pictures with the 2 grandpas!

    ReplyDelete
  20. I can so relate! I cherished the time I did have home and my summer vacations but I do enjoy going being at work too. I need that time away. It keeps me balanced.

    ReplyDelete

Thanks for your comment!