Tuesday 17 May 2011

Confessions of a breastfeeder - the sequel

I’ve stopped offering my breast to Naveen during the day; limited it to early morns and evenings. My baby will be one at the end of this month, heralding the close of this maternity leave.

A younger, childless friend of mine said the thought of breastfeeding a baby gave her the heebie jeebies. I got where she was coming from. It’s not something you can appreciate by imagining. It definitely falls under the understood by doing category. And even then, it’s certainly not the same for everyone. I tried to express my experience of it to her. But my words fell short. I had adverbs aplenty but was inept at stringing the thoughts together articulately enough to explain just what a wonder nursing has been for me.

Not everyone has been so lucky. I’ve known a handful of women who’ve found it difficult, painful, and even unnatural. And many who couldn’t produce enough to sustain their babies. As with so many facets of motherhood, we all experience it in unique ways and you won’t hear me preaching.

But oh indulge me. Let me tell you how it’s been over here. Let me gush. Let me get downright sentimental.

There’s nothing like the intimacy of it. I have loved a man. I have loved a dog. But loving a child has undone me. And nourishing that tiny body via my own? Well it has unravelled my carefully constructed ego. Forced me to see outside of myself. I understood again what a miracle life is, what a purpose mothering could be.

Also, it has been convenient and free.

And that it could very well be why Deaglan and Naveen took so long to sleep through the night didn’t faze me one bit. The fact that La Senza* sent me on my way empty handed did not discourage me either. I knew I’d lose the bulk once I stopped nursing. I knew I could hold off having that second or third glass of wine till the kids were eating all solids.

It doesn’t make me Mother of the Year; I’m not waiting for a pat on the back. I’m waxing nostalgic. I’m looking into my future and peeking over my shoulder. I’m inhaling the baby scent of it all because I know it will be gone in an instant. And I’m wondering if I will remember the best parts. Not the exhaustion. Not the desperate need for five minutes to myself.

But the soft intimacy with a tiny being.

The knowing of each other on a heavenly scale.

The warm sound of suckling in the dark.

The ecstasy.
*La Senza told me I'd need to go to a specialty bra shop to find something in my size.


I'm pouring my heart out with Shell.


28 comments:

  1. Getting the twins established breastfeeding almost killed me. But I'm glad we worked through it. I weaned them around 13 months. It was sad, but we had a good run of it.

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  2. I know just how you feel. I nursed both of mine until they were one, and although both times I was ready to reclaim my body, it was bittersweet... with my first it was a tough first 2 months, but I'm so glad I didn't give up.. best decision I ever made!

    I have a couple of friends who are pregnant and I keep thinking about how much I miss that time with my babies, the bonding, the quiet moments that were just ours.. oh boy, it almost makes me want another ;)

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  3. "Loving a child has undone me."
    Oh Kim-that is the essence of motherhood-so perfectly said and so true. I nursed Amy for a long, long time and it was a sad day when she was weaned. And now she is 15 and starting on a different kind of weaning process-away from me. It's all part of the big picture, but I still hate it.
    Beautiful post today:)

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  4. It wasn't something I was able to do but something I wish I could have done. I think people have taken something beautifully natural and made it ugly.

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  5. "the soft intimacy with a tiny being" - poetically beautiful. I relate fully to what you expressed here so eloquently my friend.

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  6. Beautifully put. I struggled for Celia's first three months to nurse her. We finally got her tongue tie fixed and boy was I glad I never gave up. Breastfeeding was one of the best things I have ever done. It bonded us so much more deeply than we had been already. I can't wait to nurse my next baby.

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  7. I love where you wrote how loving a child has undone you. That's the most beautiful line every written about becoming a mom. The entire post is like listening to a ballad being sung.

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  8. Beautiful.

    Bebe Sister was done daytime feeding during the day around age 8 months. T Rex about the same time. Sad when this phase ends but I still look forward to my evening and morning nursing sessions.

    It will, however, make returning to work easier.

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  9. This is such a sweet take on this. As a non-mom, even I know this choice is too highly debated, and too many people have an opinion. I'm glad you have a positive experience!!

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  10. loved every word! it was so beautiful!

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  11. I so agree. I absolutely loved nursing my sons - it is an incredible bond.

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  12. I totally agree. I am 4 months away from being done breastfeeding. I cannot wait as I have been pregnant or breastfeeding for over three years. But I will never, ever forget the bond it formed with me and my son and daughter. And the love I have for them is unimaginable.

    Stopping by from PYHO.

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  13. Love this post. I have an almost 5 month old that I'm planning to nurse until he's at least 1. My daughter is 3 and I breastfed her until about 13 months and it was wonderful. I didn't do it for a pat on the back or anything either. It was free, I had milk a plenty, and we enjoyed it. Had it ever been hard or painful or stressful, I would've stopped. It is a wonderful feeling to know I can provide that nourishment for my kids.

    Stopping by from PYHO.

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  14. I too love breastfeeding. I constantly tell the hubby moms who don't do it are missing out. Then there are days like today where he is just a fussy monster and would rather have a bottle because he's tired and cranky that make me appreciate that precious fleeting bond so much more,

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  15. Beautiful post!

    I look forward to reading your other posts. Thank you for coming by my blog and sharing your sweet words. I am so sorry to read about your brother.

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  16. Aw, it is a sweet connection. Though, I had all my babies in such rapid succession that when the last one weaned, I admit, I was glad to be done.

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  17. The truth is that the idea of breastfeeding gave me the heebie jeebies too...since I had so many complications with my pregnancy I wasn't allowed to breastfeed so I never did have to try it. Frankly, I doubt I would have in any case.

    I really admire that you were so successful with it. You are an amazing mom, which is very evident by this amazingly objective and non-judgmental post. You have a way with words Kim! Thank you for sharing.

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  18. I am in the midst of breastfeeding my third. I loved this post.

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  19. I believe nursing our babes is/was one of the most magical and special things ever. I can't wait to nurse again...:)

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  20. Beautiful post about mother and child.

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  21. Well written, when my last was done, I cried, I hope to have another child but I was worried it was going to be the last time I nursed. That connection, I need it.
    Thanks for stopping by, I am following you back!

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  22. I'm hoping I'll be able to breastfeed once we have kids. What a beautiful tribute. :)

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  23. Sigh. So true and so beautiful. My Munchkin is 9 months, and although I sometimes dread the 10 pm dream feed, once we start, it's always my favorite feeding. He is just so peaceful and cuddly, and I can just feel him drawing comfort from being so close to his mama, and me from him. Great post.

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  24. I was one of the moms who never had enough to sustain my child. In fact my milk never came in at all. No excuse for why ... it just wasn't there. But oh ... how I longed for this experience! I'm always delighted to read posts by women who truly embraced and enjoyed this aspect of motherhood! Thanks for sharing!

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  25. I was so miserable the first few weeks, but I'm so glad I stuck with it. There is something so intimate about being able to nourish your child in that way. I know not all moms can make that choice, but that's ok too. We all do what's best for our little ones.

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  26. I am in the process of getting my 9mo to sleep more than 3hours at night without demanding to breastfeed... so it was nice to read this positive post. It is important to remember the nice things, thanks for reminding me!

    PS stopping by from pyho

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  27. You totally captured how I feel about breastfeeding my three children - beyond words.

    When I had my first I had not known anyone who had breastfed before so I was totally overwhelmed by how "right" it felt.

    Some of the best moments of my life.

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  28. I love this post and even cried! I am the proud mother to Mason, he's 6 weeks today. I've struggled with oversupply but finally have started having great success. Lol my blog I appropriatly named mason and the dairy farm. It is amazing to be able to feed your child. The noises they make while nursing is forever burned in my mind. Pure love.

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