Last love letter to an only child

Dear Deaglan,

It's not that this is the last love letter I will ever write to you, it's just that very soon after this, you will no longer be our only child. And although it thrills me that you will have a little brother soon, it also makes me a bit despondent that you will have to share our attention.

A few weeks ago the thought of this made me sob silently in the middle of the night while your Dad lay snoring, sound asleep beside me. It was a few moments in the still of the night, when all my best efforts to rationalize failed me. My heart refused to be comforted in the knowledge that my love for you would never change, or that it would only increase in capacity for love for you and your brother.

No. I was sad at the thought of the impending changes for you.

You've been the beginning of my day, the end of my day and all of the time in between since you were born. I've memorized all of your freckles - sometimes panicking that it would one day be necessary to let someone know where each is located.

You've uttered the sweetest words my ears have ever heard and yet with just as casual effort you were able to almost break my heart. I've never been so vulnerable as I am with you.

In a few days you will be 28 months old. Your Dad and I are constantly amazed at how fast you are developing. And although secretly we believe you must be some sort of a genius or at least very advanced for your age, we try to keep this to ourselves. We don't want people thinking we're obnoxious. Honestly though, the way you recite your ABC's or climb up the ladder of your swingset - that can't be normal for a two-year old, can it???

But seriously my sweet first baby, I hope that you will always feel loved, as loved as the love we feel for you.
I hope that with the arrival of your baby brother, we become even better parents for you.

Love Mommy

I highly recommend it

Shaune said something funny the other day.

We were watching Deaglan play and he looked at me, wistful, and said, I don't know how I'm ever gonna love this new guy as much as I love him (pointing to Deaglan). I think he'll always be my favourite.

I knew it wouldn't be true but I kind of knew what he meant. When a child takes over your universe the way ours has, it's impossible to imagine making room for another.
And yet we know you do and love that one just as fiercely as the first. All the things that are said of having children are true. Suddenly your heart has legs and is walking around outside of your body. Every new thing he learns, it's as if you are seeing it for the first time too. Life takes on a renewal process because you can't help but see it through his eyes.

You start to remember the magic of things again, like eating freshly fallen snow, or staring up at a horse for the first time.

We went to a local sugar bush yesterday where we ate locally made maple syrup, and toured the grounds on a horse drawn trolley.

The little people

Pregnant women are coming out of the woodwork around here. And we're all due this summer. Brace yourselves for a population surge.

Seriously.

And there is a lot of controversy. Should you find out the sex? Are you showing too early? Why aren't you showing yet? Will you keep your toddler in daycare or pull him out when the baby comes? Will you go with a trendy name, something pulled out of the history books, soaps or will you make him or her a namesake?

My baby, the one on the inside is making himself felt lately. I forgot, even though it was only just over two years ago, how odd yet wonderful it is to have a little person moving inside of you.

The little person on the outside is moving around a lot too. I find I have to outsmart him these days because I certainly can't catch him. He's developed quite a few habits that I find hard to hate. For instance when he is in the time-out chair, because he doesn't quite understand the concept that he needs to sit there for longer than two seconds, I must sit on the floor acting as a barrier between him and freedom, he often reaches out and strokes my hair and with the sweetest most sincere expression says: I'm sorry mommy. Even Supernanny would have a hard time resisiting that little face.

Well - we chose to find out the gender of our baby and we are going to go with a not so trendy name and we may keep the toddler in daycare part time and I definitely think I am showing way too much.

It's good to be growing a baby but I also yearn for a time when my belly will be flatter, my back not so achy and food will be a meal instead of the constant landscape of my daydreams.

I'm enjoying this trimester though - often referred to as the 'honeymoon' phase of pregnancy. I'm in no hurry to get to the end just yet.

New Sun

Did you ever stop and look at your life and wonder how you got so damned lucky? Today I thought a lot about the overwhelming sadness going on in Haiti. I also went to the hospital and saw this perfect tiny foot of the little boy growing in my tummy.

the foot in the sand is Deaglan's this summer at the beach.

Progress report

My pregnancy's progressing pretty well. I'm almost 19 weeks and the nausea is gone (halleluja!).

Life is pretty normal except that every week I find myself scrounging for something different to wear to work. My maternity clothes from the last pregnancy have lost their appeal - most of them seem dingy and out of date and since I already feel that way, I don't need my outfits advertising it.

As I mentally prepare for the arrival of the new person, I waiver between a calm excitement and outright panic. On the one hand I think of how amazing it will be to be a family of four and have a tiny baby to snuggle again. However there is also the fearful part of me who wonders how I will be able to take care of two without letting one suffer. I know it's been done before and I know it's possible but still the fear of the unknown is not lost on me.

I was going to wait to potty train Deaglan until the last half of my maternity leave - we're so fortunate in Canada to get a full year off - but lately he's exhibiting signs that he might be ready now. Whereas he was having a BM every day, a few weeks ago this changed to every 3-4 days. In between he is at times doubled over in pain from gas. His diet hasn't changed - he's no champion vegetable eater but I manage to get some good grains and fruit into him daily and tons of water. He's showing other signs too, so this week we bought some underwear and have begun the training. Lots of fun as you may remember if you have kids.

This second pregnancy is so different for me than the first. The last one seemed magical with each new phase unfolding as I read about the wonders going on in my body each day. This time I feel an overwhelming need to make sure Deaglan is getting all of me as often as I can give it. I've read too that husbands are less interested in the technical aspects of the second pregnancy and that's certainly true for us. Although Shaune is concerned about my well being I can tell it's not as magical for him this time around either. Both of us are thinking about that first little while when you have no idea how to comfort the new baby, aren't getting any sleep and aren't sure if this is what you thought it would be.

I've had some great advice from friends with more than one child though and would welcome any tips from you veterans out there!

Love letter to a baby

Dear Baby,

this is you at 11.5 weeks. I know it's early to start a dialogue with you but I really wanted to tell a bit about your big brother.

But first I want to say that it was such a relief to finally confirm that you were in my tummy this morning. When the Ultrasound technician was first taking measurements and probing around with the thingy they use, I tried to read her face. She was virtually expression-less. I could hardly breathe from the anxiety I was feeling. I mean I knew you were in there but you can't imagine the worry that goes through a pregnant woman's mind especially these first few months. So when she finally turned the screen toward me and I could see your glorious little form in my sac I wanted to laugh and cry. I exhaled and silently thanked God for you.

Anyway, back to your big brother. Just a few things. We're trying to get him prepped for your arrival. I figure it's not too early. We have our work cut out for us though. For instance, I've told him several times that you are a baby in my tummy. But later when I ask him where the baby is, he insists on pointing to himself and saying baby. Don't worry though, I think this could work itself out with a lot of repitition on my part. Also, your Dad and I have begun the arduous task of teaching him about sharing. I gotta be honest with you - he's not all that into it. But we know how important this will be for your arrival so we won't give up.

And Baby, we don't by any means want to encourage competition between you and your brother. We already know that we love you just as infinitely as we do him. However, if you feel strongly about defeating him on a few things may we suggest that you make your debut as a champion sleeper. It would raise a few eyebrows and the way we see it, it could be a win for all of us. No pressure though.

I also wanted to include you in this letter to celebrate with me the eve of your big brother's 23 month birthday. In a month and a day he will be two. I don't want to say I can't believe it because frankly I don't remember a time when I didn't know him. Okay I do remember but life seemed to have become exponentially more joyful since he came into our lives. After you establish your place here (and you can count on your Dad and me to help you with this) I think you will really like your big bro. He's pretty funny and has a wonderful heart.

Love always,
Mommy.

Breaking taboos

I know it's sort of an unwritten taboo to talk about pregnancy until the end of the first trimester but tired of following silly rules, I've decided to share my thoughts with you. I'm trying to get pregnant and it's not as easy this time around.

A thousand anxieties and fears run through my mind everyday. First of all I want to talk about the fact that in my mind's eye we are a family of four. And the knowing of that creates a feeling of limbo that I could never have imagined back in my somewhat carefree single days. I'm cognizant of all the things I should be thinking - I'm so blessed to have Shaune and Deaglan, a comfortable house to live in, a decent job, supportive family and friends. And of course I am grateful for all of it.

But there is this part of me, which until recently lay dormant, and at first whispered softly - you need to have one more baby NOW and is slowly becoming louder and more demanding. Our plan had been to wait until the end of the summer to start trying. This way Deaglan would be older, we would feel satisfied knowing he had us all to himself for an appropriate length of time - all of those kinds of considerations that run through parents' minds.

However, the minute we began trying, that other part of me began to take over. By the end of each cycle, it would convince me that I was pregnant. I looked for feelings of nausea, was sure that wanting mayonnaise and fries was a 'craving', felt the cramps that often come in the first few weeks of conception indicating that the fertilized egg was attaching to the uterine wall. But then much to my great disappointment, evidence to the contrary would show up and prove me wrong every time.

This has been a difficult way to live.

Combined with this anxiety is the fear of being pregnant and having a toddler to take care of. I had nausea around the clock for the first four months with Deaglan. Doing the absolute necessities like going to work and showing up for my midwife appointments left me spent and exhausted. My back pain was unbearable at times and for the last few months I had to sleep on the couch downstairs. I think about all of this and worry about Deaglan. We have so much one-on-one time together. I pick him up all the time just because I want to nuzzle his neck or give him a kiss. And we have our routines.

I've spoken to lots of friends who have a second and third and even fourth child and they all tell me the same types of things. It will all work out. The relationship between he and I won't change, it may need to be reorganized and tweaked a bit.

And then there is also a part of me that wants to kick my own butt and say enjoy today, don't worry so much, things will all work out the way they are supposed to. But sadly this has never been my way.

So these days I'm trying not to analyze every small tingle or tiny cramp I feel. I'm telling myself that whenever it happens will be the right time and just because I'm 38.5 doesn't mean I don't still have enough time. I'm telling myself to live in the moment, enjoy my time with Deaglan while he's still an only child. I'm telling myself all of these things and almost believing them.

Deaglan v Parents 2009

Tonite after Deaglan ate pizza again for the ninth night in a row (I've tried to change it up but he chants PEEEE-ZUP! PEEEE-ZUP! while banging on the oven to remind me every night that I can pretty much forget putting anything else in front of him), I caught Shaune smiling to himself watching the kid streak through the living room in just a diaper chasing after the poor cat.

"Deaglan can I please have a kiss?" he asks.

"NNNNOOOO!" is the reply as the streaker runs the other way.

It suddenly dawned on me, the necessity of having more than one child. This voracious need to constantly shower your child with expressions of love and affection - could this be better appreciated by said child if it were delivered in timely increments? And as the parent, the only way I could even imagine practicing such restraint would be if there was another equally beautiful, breathtaking little wonder who could as easily melt my heart.

Please don't get excited - no big announcements here. But I have considered that if we don't want Deaglan to file for emancipation due to over-smothering as soon as he learns to read and write (and just think, Shaune and I are the everyday smotherers, there also grandparents, aunts, uncles and friends that show absolutely no restraint when visiting) we had better consider a second child sometime in the not-too-distant future.

Shut up already!!

Me and my little family minus the cat were at Chapter's a few weeks ago. For you, my international friends, Chapter's is Canada's big bookstore. Shaune was checking out cookbooks and Deaglan and I were over in the children's section playing with Thomas and his other train friends. Just before we were ready to leave I saw my friend and colleague who had moved jobs while I was on maternity leave. Although we periodically checked in with each other over Facebook, I hadn't seen her since before I had Deaglan. This is how the conversation went:

Me: Oh my God you're pregnant!!! (As I rub her tummy) Congratulations - it's about time!

Her (not smiling at all): No I'm actually not.

Me (feeling light-headed and nauseaus): Oh my God, I'm so sorry. It's just that you're usually so thin. (Okay honestly please God help me to stop talking)

Her: (Most likely wondering why she hasn't punched me in the face or just walked away) Yeah, I gained some weight.

Me: (almost crying now while still trying to keep an eye on Deaglan who is trying to pull books off the shelves - where the hell is Shaune when I need him?) Please, please I don't know what I'm saying, I can't believe I just said that. (hugging her)

Her: (weakly) No honest it's okay. I get that all the time.

Me: (trying to change the subject) So how are you?

This conversation went on for at least another agonizing fifteen minutes where everything I said just made me sound even more crazy and insensitive. I have never wished more for a fire alarm or a hostage situation or an alien invasion.