Goodbye

My tribute to my brother at the funeral service today:

I know we all sit here, in sorrow and great sadness, trying to remember our own times with Matt. For me, his coming into this world served as a bridge from the place I had just left to this new home I could never have prepared for. I know I can speak for my sister Tara when I say that his birth sparked a joy for us that we needed in order to feel like this new place was home. Here was someone that would look at us as true sisters, not adopted, but his own. My sister will tell you to this day that although she is thrilled to have given birth to four beautiful girls, her hope of having a little boy ignited because of her love of Matthew. He was an adorable baby and a great source of happiness for all of us.
Of course as he got a little older he had his moments – as the youngest and most spoiled of us. He had no problem reminding you of the rules mom and dad had set out and being a tattle tale if he felt you were committing an infraction. But this part of him is not what I remember the most today.
Matthew and I had our best times as adults. I was so grateful that throughout his twenties and into his thirties we grew closer. He often confided in me. Especially when as a nineteen year-old he began the difficult journey of living his own truth in a society that still treats beautiful creatures of God like him as second class citizens. To this day, I am in awe of the courage and strength it must have taken to step out of the shadows and be who he was while most of us at that age were lucky enough to only have to deal with typical teenage stuff.
When Shaune and I moved to London at the end of the 90’s with my brother Mark, we loved having Matt in our lives on a regular basis. Because he still lived there too, we often had barbecues and get-togethers a few times a week. I saw him less regularly when he moved to Toronto but there were some memorable times when I would be mixing a drink order behind whatever bar I was working at and turn around to see his smiling face sitting on a stool demanding to be served.
In the last few years, I have had my most fulfilling times with my baby brother. When my son Deaglan was born, I wanted nothing more than to have Matthew be a big part of his life. Matt as most of you know, loves kids and is hands down the most fun uncle. Kelly and Asia can attest to that. I loved watching him hold my little boy. Something so gentle and peaceful always came over his handsome face as he interacted with our babies. He always showed up in true good uncle fashion with gifts for the kids. And how he knew exactly what they wanted, I will never know.
And I know that he was a good friend too. I’ve been lucky to speak to some of his closest friends in the last few days, friends like Libby, Fardos, Garry, Sean, Dave and so many others who have emailed me this week. And it is not surprising that they are deeply grieving losing this true friend of theirs. My heart goes out to all of you because I know that if he was a fraction of the friend to you as the brother he has been to me than you are all changed for it.
I was fortunate that Matt read a beautiful passage from the Bible at our wedding. He called me a few days before and asked me if he could change it around a bit – you know add a joke here and there. I think his sense of humour was one of the best parts of him. Always self-deprecating but quick and so so funny.
Matt, I love you and I miss you! I know you are somewhere safe, somewhere peaceful. I’m certain you are lifting the spirits of those around you all the time. Because as so many of your friends told me this week, you truly had the gift of making people feel loved, warm and just better. You will never leave my heart or the memories of my children. Shaune loved you like his own brother and we feel eternally grateful that you were here.

January 26 1979 - May 21 2010

We lost our sweet funny and wonderful baby brother a few days ago. It is senseless and baffling and I cannot put into words yet my grief. I love you Matt and hope you are in peace.

Mama's little helper - or not?

Deaglan's favourite show right now is Dora.

It's become almost worrisome to Shaune and me. There's an on-demand children's channel included in our cable package that offers tons of episodes of some of the more popular kids' shows for free. We try to use it with caution.

However, once he watches one episode of Dora, he wants more. We try to always set the boundaries before turning on the TV - like we'll say: Okay, you can watch two Doras but then the TV is going off. Do you understand? And he'll nod in agreement to this verbal contract but we can tell what he's really saying is: yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever, move out of the way and turn it up.

But then when the two episodes are done and we click the "off " button, we are treated to a full blown temper tantrum - rolling on the floor, crying, kicking, telling the unlucky parent in attendance that he doesn't like them.

I find it difficult to navigate this tricky and controversial topic. I mean I know that lots of parents will tell you that letting your child watch television is just plain bad, it teaches your kids to stop thinking for themselves, can cause this or that etc. And I've read a lot of literature that gives guidance on this.

But the bottom line truth for me is - it's nice to get a break!

Living her life

Yesterday I thought a lot about my birth mother. I wondered if she was still alive and if so whether the pain of my absence still tore through her sometimes. I hoped not. I hoped that she could feel my silent thank you and know that she had enabled a miracle for me.

There's really only one comfortable place in our house for me these days - the recliner. As I sat there throughout Mother's Day, getting up now and then to fix Deaglan a snack or spend five minutes on the floor building a robot with his blocks, I felt acutely how unlike this life hers most certainly must have been while she was pregnant with me.

How as a very young and poor Muslim wife she likely spent her free moments pleading with her God to make this one a boy. That after the beatings, abuse and shame she endured when her husband saw that their first born was a girl, she would have given anything to just make this one male.

But it was not to be. Because after me, two more baby girls followed. And with them came a life more miserable than the one she had already known. I can't imagine what it would be like to have to live on the streets - the cruel streets of a poverty stricken land - with a newborn and a toddler, having no money, no food, no shelter, a damaged reputation, and the heartache of having been forced to leave your older two with the very man who resented you enough to almost kill you for giving birth to only girls.

And yet here I sat in my $600 recliner, in a place where gender only makes a difference if you are trying to plan out your nursery, expecting another boy. Here only but for the grace of God and her courage.

I wondered if life could get any more unfair.

Who really is the biggest loser?

I don’t usually get worked up about what’s going on in celebrity culture – mostly because I can’t relate to them and likely they wouldn’t be very interested in my little life. But when I read this article about what Jillian Michaels said about pregnancy my face heated up a little and at first what was a tiny niggle of irritation bloomed into a “I’d like to give her a piece of my mind” kind of annoyance.

I think what bothers me most is that she gets paid (probably an unjustifiable amount) to coach people into shape. People of all shapes and sizes. Many of whom have given birth to children. That the thought of pregnancy seems to repulse her makes me wonder how much credibility she has lost with some of the contestants. I mean isn’t the best part of being coached by someone like her the fact that she used to be overweight herself?? That she has walked in these people’s shoes??

It’s sad to me that such a public person, with some clear responsibility in the realm of body image and self-esteem has decided to make such a lazy comment about one of - if not the most (in my opinion) - important job a woman will ever do.

Because you know what? Even though pregnancy is unpredictable and scary and can wreak havoc on your body, it is at the same time beautiful, and magical and full of grace. And not because I am a pregnant woman writing this but I find the pregnant body awe-some. And I find carrying a child in my uterus to be a joy and one of the greatest honours.

So I have these two things to say to Jillian:

In the end I hope that you don’t decide against having children only because of this fear of ruining your perfect body. Because honey, age will ravage all that you have worked hard for.

And…

Being an adopted person, it’s slightly insulting to think that someone might have thought they were ‘rescuing’ me. I’ve rescued before but only from animal shelters. And even then that dog and that cat have given me far more than I could ever give them.

Last love letter to an only child

Dear Deaglan,

It's not that this is the last love letter I will ever write to you, it's just that very soon after this, you will no longer be our only child. And although it thrills me that you will have a little brother soon, it also makes me a bit despondent that you will have to share our attention.

A few weeks ago the thought of this made me sob silently in the middle of the night while your Dad lay snoring, sound asleep beside me. It was a few moments in the still of the night, when all my best efforts to rationalize failed me. My heart refused to be comforted in the knowledge that my love for you would never change, or that it would only increase in capacity for love for you and your brother.

No. I was sad at the thought of the impending changes for you.

You've been the beginning of my day, the end of my day and all of the time in between since you were born. I've memorized all of your freckles - sometimes panicking that it would one day be necessary to let someone know where each is located.

You've uttered the sweetest words my ears have ever heard and yet with just as casual effort you were able to almost break my heart. I've never been so vulnerable as I am with you.

In a few days you will be 28 months old. Your Dad and I are constantly amazed at how fast you are developing. And although secretly we believe you must be some sort of a genius or at least very advanced for your age, we try to keep this to ourselves. We don't want people thinking we're obnoxious. Honestly though, the way you recite your ABC's or climb up the ladder of your swingset - that can't be normal for a two-year old, can it???

But seriously my sweet first baby, I hope that you will always feel loved, as loved as the love we feel for you.
I hope that with the arrival of your baby brother, we become even better parents for you.

Love Mommy

39 things I'm grateful for

1. I have a wonderful family and great friends.
2. I never worry about food, water or shelter.
3. I am a woman living in a peaceful country with the right to exercise choice and personal freedom.
4. My job is steady and provides us with security.
5. I am willing to become a better person everyday.
6. I know that I have flaws.
7. I know what most of them are.
8. My health.
9. Parenthood.
10. Good books.
11. Digital cameras, blogging and email.
12. My past.
13. Epidurals.
14. That Shaune likes to cook.
15. Springtime.
16. Deaglan's voice.
17. Thoughtfulness, kindness and open-mindedness.
18. Humour, good spiritedness, and generosity.
19. The second trimester.
20. Pecan pie.
21. Clearance racks.
22. Getting personal snail-mail (not bills).
23. Education.
24. A year of maternity leave.
25. Sleep.
26. Flat irons.
27. A clean house and fresh laundry.
28. Baby movements in my belly.
29. Midwifery.
30. Healthcare.
31. Income tax refunds.
32. That I will soon be mother of two.
33. The people at Deaglan's daycare.
34. Buying used whenever I can.
35. Shaune's love and thoughtfulness.
36. That I'm learning about childhood through Deaglan's eyes.
37. That these days I can spot happiness and am able to stop and savour it.

38. That pregnancy is a temporary state!
39. That I will turn 39 tomorrow and feel okay about it.